Employee Reveals Trump Purchased 100,000 “Hillary ’16” Tee-Shirts In Case He Lost The Election

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Washington – A classic Superbowl strategy.  President Trump has proved yet again that successful leadership takes a certain amount of eclecticism and risk. In the final days of the election when he was running neck and neck for the presidency with Hillary Clinton, Trump realized that the prospect of losing was on the table.

To avoid a total loss, Trump identified opportunity. He purchased 100,000 Hillary ’16 tee shirts which he was going to sell for $20 a piece if Hillary won.  “I was an administrative assistant in Trump’s campaign” says a former Trump employee, “the last several weeks of the campaign were spent designing and purchasing 100,000 Hillary Tee-shirts, which we later threw out after Trump won. He only spent a couple hundred grand on them”

“Business tycoons need to be fountains of creativity” says Harvard MBA instructor Tom Grosley, “They ideate new campaigns and ideas constantly to facilitate business growth. Creative problem solving is the hallmark of business success”

Though Trump’s tee-shirt business ultimately failed, his display of entrepreneurship is one of the reasons he is lauded by many as an influential business mogul

 

ISIS To Hire 25 American Interns Out Of Boston

25Boston MA – “With diminishing Production Assistant jobs and a slowing market for video work, this opportunity struck me as a great way to travel the world and get some experience,” says Tommy DeVito, Junior at Emerson College.

ISIS is the first terrorist organization to implement marketing into their corporate structure. It is well known that ISIS puts in a  great deal of work producing professional level propaganda. “They are adapting to the digital age,” says Billy Batts, professor of terror research at Harvard University, “they use professional equipment for videos, professional editing software, social media outlets, email campaigns, even SEO. They run a  legitimate operation similar to most American businesses. Minus the terror and killing, I could see why naive college students are attracted to the opportunity.”

ISIS greased through sub-Reddits and Facebook groups using monikers and sock accounts to hand pick 25 Americans to outsource their marketing campaigns. At first they targeted Muslim Americans, but were met with disdain and outrage. The most responsive group were young white men who had trouble finding a job.

“Look,” said DeVito, “I am not doing the killing, I am not contributing to the terror, I am just acting as a liaison between an organization, and a country. I have no shame in doing this. If anything, I am doing the world a favor by showing everyone what ISIS is about”

This kind of delusional thinking stems from unemployment, and hopelessness. “It is characteristic of the Millenial generation” says Batts, “its hard to find a job today so they’ll take all the experience they can get. If it were my kid, I’d disown him. Stay unemployed. Don’t work for ISIS”

Staff

Trump Hires Pun Writer To Diss “Kim Jong Un-qualified”

trumpoy4Washington – In the wake of possible war-inducing rhetoric between Trump and North Korea, Trump on-boarded a team of analysts at the White House to help identify weak spots in North Korean culture, and develop a plan to shed a positive light on his public image.

“I am hoping to get the Koreans to side with me,” said Trump in a press conference this morning, “if the Koreans love me, and they will,  then they will see that Kim Jong Un is Kim Jong Un-Qualified…”

The pun is already blowing up on Twitter, with some people noting how it was written by a seasoned “Pun-writer” to tap into the Korean cultural predilection towards puns.

“We did look deeply into Korean culture to tease out what their people respond to” says white house analyst Craig Gannon, “We found in our analysis that Koreans, along with other Eastern countries, are the largest ‘Pun consumers’ in the world. Puns are sort of fetishized there. Any art historian will tell you that puns have been visible in Eastern culture since the dawn of landscape art, and with loud echoes ringing throughout modern Anime and Manga.”

The speech writers and analytic team collaborated on a speech that would include at least one pun to address North Korea. This was a trial run to test the waters, said our White House correspondents, but expect more puns in the future if it goes over well.trump twitter3

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Connecticut Man Hires Lawyer To Live In Gym

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CT – A local man has hired a lawyer to represent him in Edge Fitness Center Vs. Tony Ambroelli. 

Tony Ambroelli was evicted from his New Haven apartment in 2016 because of failure to make rent. Following his eviction he moved into a Pod storage unit where he paid $200 a month, but lacked a bathroom and shower. He was “urinating into large Gatorade bottles, and defecating into paper shredders.”

Searching for cheaper, more comfortable living spaces, Tony remembered his $20 subscription to the Edge Fitness center. After confirming with Edge staff that the gym is open 24/7, Ambroelli moved his light luggage into a locker.

Since June, Ambroelli has been sleeping and showering in the gym locker room. Now the Edge Fitness Center is hoping to evict him.

“Nowhere in the membership contract does it explicitly prevent paying members from sleeping or showering in the gym. In fact, showering and resting are encouraged activities!” says Ambroelli’s lawyer Tom Heinks.

Edge Fitness Center has not made a comment to the press.

Staff reports

 

Michelle Carter Fired From Volunteer Job At Crises Text Line

carte2.jpegNY – Crises Text Line, the suicide support app entirely funded by volunteers and donations, accepted Michelle Carter to redeem herself  as a suicide counselor yesterday following her recent sentencing. The nonprofit pairs suicidal users with counselors to offer support.

Carter’s lawyer made a statement about the new endeavor “Well, Michelle has learned her lesson. She is ready to start giving back to the community.”

Just hours after her on-boarding, Michelle was fired for promoting strategies that were “Not in line with effective suicide prevention” said Crises Text Line CEO.

Some conversations included the following:

Anonymous user: Today is the day, I’m going to off myself
Carter: Put your money where your mouth is. 

In another conversation, Carter urged the user to go through with the suicide, calling him a pussy.

Anonymous user: I don’t know if I can go through with this. 
Carter: Don’t be a pussy, its not becoming of you. 

Needless to say Carter was asked to resign from her position. She is exploring new ways to give back to the community.

Staff reports

Forget Coffins, This Company Will Turn You Into A Low-Income Housing Project When You Die

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Coffins are old school. A New York property developer claims that he can turn your corpse into a low income housing project.

Finding our place in the world when we pass is hard. Are we content with our flesh dissolving helplessly into the earth? This is a common theme in burial culture. Some companies are offering to turn your body into a tree. Others turn your corpse into a crystal ball.

What better way to carry on your benevolent character than to be transformed into something for the greater good? Din Veisal of NYC is a famous property developer who will bury you under a housing project for the low price of $5. Some say he has mafia connections and has been doing this to throw the feds off a trail that will lead them to hundreds of unwilling persons who are buried under his buildings.

Regardless, its a great idea.

How to get laid with $10 and a Red Bull

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Drink half the red bull. You don’t wanna be up too late, because you’re going out again tomorrow night.

Hold on to the ten bucks until Friday night, you’ll need it for a cover.

Find a dive bar with a lot of college students where the cover is $5. OR if you can find a party, even better.

Dress well. Dress like you are going to a business casual party where there will be important people. Women like when you dress up because it shows that you have self respect. Most of the schlubs in the bar wear jeans and a tee shirt because they feel they are too good for nice clothes.

Let me break this down. In terms of where you fit in a social hierarchy, your attire is telling. Jeans and a tee shirt will land you in a realm of possibilities where the most common denominator is probably somewhere between a Walgreens employee, or maybe a semi successful mechanic (depending on your smell, but we’ll get to that later)

You want to live in the high end of the social spectrum where your appearance dictates that a feasible minimum for you is university student, and your maximum is a high achieving professional.

Once you throw on a nice button down shirt, khakis, and nice shoes, you’re ready to mack. Pro tip – stay away from boat shoes. The frat look is aesthetically attractive, but it triggers a negative Pavlovian response in women due to the how frequently frat boys disappoint.

OK, so you left your boat shoes at home, you’re dressed all snazzy, you’re walking towards the bar, and you’re half a Red Bull deep into the night. What do you do now?

GET A WINGMAN

Wing men are essential counterparts in the courtship dance. They can pull you from an awkward situation, or draw you into a beneficial one. They are instrumental in getting you laid. SO call up a buddy, and invite him out.

Now you are ready.

You’re in the bar. You’re looking around. Girls are tripping over their heels onto each other. Guys are calling out to distant bros. Some people are on their phones, others are wall flowers. Where do you go from here?

You mack. Don’t think, just mack.

Go up to every girl you see, one by one and say “hello, my name is _____” Start a conversation. Now, you may be wary of this method because you understand the possibility exists that you will be rejected. Well, yes. You will be. But only about %30 of the time!

I crunched the numbers for you – %70 of girls you go up to are willing to have some sort of conversation, be it short lived or lasting. %50 of that %70 will be willing to give you their numbers, and about %5 total will perceive you as a viable suitor. The other %30 will reject you in a nightmarish fashion that no man can come back from. Except you.

Common curve phrases to expect from condescending women at the bar:

“I have a boyfriend who’s way hotter than you”

“Ugh, no thanks (muffled scoff)”

“She is taken, get away from her she doesn’t want you”

“Um yeah, no thanks”

Don’t worry, like I said, only %30 of women will treat you like absolute shit. It makes sense really. Half of the night life experience for women is dodging harassing men. You can’t blame them for being bitchy, it’s simply survival.

But, this is just my experience. You need to collect data for yourself. Once you have a working experimental model of your successes and failures, you will feel confident in talking to girls at the bar. In any given field or career, data analysis is a crucial tool in optimizing your procedures. Make note of how many girls you approach, how many curve you, how many are too drunk to hold a coherent convo, and how many give out their numbers. This is sales. You are the product.

Now you’re ready to start getting numbers. NEVER NEVER NEVER ask a girl for her number. Asking a girl for her number leaves the door wide open for excuses, insults, and berating words. Instead, open your dial pad and put the phone in her hands. This is a keystone sales technique used by door-to-door salesmen to collect information from clients. When a person is given an item, they feel in control and are more likely to divulge personal information.

If you follow these steps, you will get laid eventually. Maybe not the first night, but if you consistently work towards these goals every week, you will get laid.

How To Walk The Walk

There are several key habits you must live by in your personal life if you wish to master fluency in the courtship dance.

  1. Watch chick flicks. Watching movies like Titanic, or anything with Zooey Deschanel as the protagonist will provide a blueprint for what girls are looking for in a guy. Act like the guys in the movies. Tell stupid jokes, tell them you’re nervous around beautiful women, say you just want someone to build with, etc. A literal pick up line of mine is “I just want a relationship like in the movies” Girls find it funny, but also deep down they recognize that as truth.
  2. Determine the right cologne. There is a guaranteed way to do this. Go to a Meineke auto center and pick out the chubbiest employee. Start a conversation and discretely sniff out his scent. What you’re doing here is determining what NOT to smell like. Now you can go to Walgreens and pick out a scent that is the olfactory opposite of what you smelled at Meineke.
  3. Smell testosterone-y. Before you hit the bar, do 20 push ups. This will let your pheromones breathe like a fine wine.
  4. Bring Franzia. Get a box and leave it in your car. Franzia is as valuable as a wedding ring.Now you’re really ready. Remember, jokes aside, sexual assault is a real thing. Don’t jump the gun when you’re flirting with women. If shes too drunk she cannot make proper decisions. Getting laid functions primarily as a massive ego stroke. Think about it. Your best time masturbating was probably 10 times better than your worst sexual experience. You can take care of yourself at home if you don’t find a safe and appropriate opportunity to court a female.

The Return Of Supa Hot Fire

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Hes not a magician, but he’ll mystify ya. He’s supa hot, but you can call him Mr. Fire. If you never seen him battle, then you missed da fire.

Deshawn Raw, or Supa Hot Fire, is by no means a rapper. But he’s done more for the rap industry than Funk Master Flex and Dr. Dre combined.

His unique style and clever wordplay make him the hottest non-rapper in the game. Recently he released a teaser to an ambiguous rap battle that is scheduled to take place on March 21st.

The internet sensation has gone up against Hopsin, Soulja Boy and Chris Rock.

Who will he school next?

6 Ridiculous Micro Nations You Can Move To After College

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A Micro nation is a small area or political entity that claims national sovereignty but is not recognized by other sovereign states. 

People establish micro nations for a slew of reasons. Some micro nations embody civil disobedience or stand against overarching political and social issues. Others are petty, or weirdly sexual, as you will soon discover.

So if you’re getting bored of your current living situation, and are looking to move to a place where you can serve as a male slave, we have provided a list of micro nations that you can move to, TODAY.

1. The Gay and Lesbian Kingdom of the Coral Sea Islands

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“On the 13th of September 2004, the Gay Kingdom declared war on Australia. This also means that the Kingdom sees itself as an independent country.” (http://gaykingdom.info/history.htm)

The Gay Kingdom of the Coral Sea Islands is located a north of Australia. Tired of persecution, humiliation, and downright ignorance, the gay community of Australia established their kingdom on the Coral Islands, home to a popular gay pride parade. They are ruled and governed by the sovereign Dale

“The sovereign of the Gay and Lesbian Kingdom is Dale Parker Anderson, who is directly descendant from the murdered gay King of England, Edward II (1284-1327) this makes the Sovereign distantly related to all the major royal houses of Europe.v”

The Gay Kingdom of the Coral Islands is a bold move by the Gay community. If you want to live in a Gay paradise, this is the place to go.

2. The Other World Kingdom

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Ladies, this one is for you. The Other World Kingdom was a Matriarchal micro nation in the Czech Republic that used to enslave men. It has been closed for years, but maybe you can help restore it!

The women had their own currency, passports, police force, courts, state flag and male slaves.  Their mission statement was  “to get as many male creatures under the unlimited rule of Superior Women on as much territory as possible.”

3. The Principality Of Sealand 

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An offshore platform off the coast of England. The benefits of living here are hard to determine. Lets see, you can pee off the side…And, you can probably get away with murder here. That’s about it.

Sealand is more about appreciating world history. It originally served as an illegally built WW2 fortress. The platform was named ‘Fort Roughs Tower’. When it was abandoned in the 1950’s is was  constituted extra-national territory. So ‘up for grabs’ basically.

If you are a WW2 nerd this may be the place to go.

4. Empire of Atlantium

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Atlantium was established by three Sydney teenagers. “As of October 2015, the group has almost 3,000 “citizens” from (and still therein residing due to the small area of the Empire of Atlantium) over 100 countries. The website names just over 20 individuals holding such functions as minister, director, magister and imperial legate. Atlantium says its citizenship does not supersede existing citizenships. Atlantians contend that they are all dual-citizens, and that Atlantium actively encourages its members to participate in the political processes of their resident countries.”

Atlantium doesn’t have an interesting vision. It has been described as “an extremely sophisticated nation-state experiment, as well as an entirely serious claimant to legitimate statehood.”

5. KugelMugel

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“KugelMugel”, or “Ball-bump”, is a nation founded and built by Edwin Lipburger in 1971. It consists of one large ball shaped house. The house serves as an artistic expression.

6. Glacier Republic

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The Glacier republic was created as an advertising awareness campaign by Greenpeace in 2014 off the coast of Chile. It was claimed in protest of mining corporations building on or near the glacier.

The activists say that once Chile has passed appropriate legislation recognizing and guaranteeing the integrity and protection of its glaciers, “The Glacier Republic and its citizens will return the glaciers to the Chilean State,” and the Glacier Republic will cease to exist. Therefore, the real purpose of the Republic is not to create a long-lasting country, but to force the Chilean government to protect its glaciers. Within its first ten days of “independence,” more than 40,000 people signed up to become “citizens” in support of the Republic, which has already opened embassies in 40 countries around the world (essentially just those countries where Greenpeace International already have offices)”

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