This past Saturday Harvard lost a football game against Yale in a catastrophic defeat 3 – 24. The game is a highly anticipated tradition, drawing large crowds and a lot of tension. Though the two Ivy’s are known for their academics, the display of brute force and domination of American football still warrants bragging rights.
In response to the fair defeat, Harvard responded on their YouTube channel with a parody of Taylor Swift’s song “Look what you made me do”, except Harvard’s version was way more troubling.
The video focuses on asserting Harvard’s academic and intellectual superiority to Yale and serves as a testament to their privilege.
Some of the lyrics include:
“I don’t like New Haven’s kind, the city is full of crime”
“Honey I got into Harvard, I get jobs all the time”
Salsberg NJ – Josh Paltrow, senior executive at Techrun Industries, was asked to step down this morning after decorating his office with a Christmas tree, following memo that urged employees to don the offices with inclusive decorations.
The memo was sent out last week and read:
Please be wary of your diverse group of co-workers and refrain from any holiday decorations unless they are culturally inclusive”
Paltrow was fired by the board of directors the following day. “He did not heed our memo, and now is a time when we cannot afford to get into any political disputes…He was a good worker, but some of the office complained, and we had to do what any company would have done – we let him go” says CEO John Bushman.
Paltrow was unavailable for questioning but we received a picture of him in front of his tree from his blog
“Not all men have penises” Sarah Cutlander shouted into a megaphone in front of hundreds of protesters who congregated at Burketown college this morning to protest the use of urinals in men’s bathrooms.
The transgender group, TGIF, which stands for “Thank God It’s Feminism”, protested the use of urinals at a local college campus claiming that they exclude the use of people without penises. Sarah Cutlander, a transgender male, lead the organization in a vocal rally. “We need to thwart the patriarchy. This is an issue descending from a fundamental misunderstanding of what defines manhood. I am a man, but I have a vagina. When I see a urinal I am reminded of how the systemic network of men who rule this country have extended their reach to dictate our behaviors and culture down to the level of toilet usage. Having a urinal is like saying – to be a man, you must have a penis. Since urinals are built around the functionality of the penis”
The Dean of school announced later in a press release that though the display was courageous, they are not thinking of removing urinals any time soon:
“Dear faculty and student body,
The display of protesters is a heartwarming reminder that we still have ground to cover in accepting all people in all their forms. Though we respect the bravery of the young men and women who protested today, we encourage you to use the stalls if you have a problem with the urinals. Some of our student body finds the urinals easier to use, which is why they are there. It is not a question of exclusion, it is about functionality”
The protest has dissipated but you can visit the alt-left trans group’s Facebook page to learn more.
WA – Following a supreme court case dealing with the FBI using urinal sensors to spy on public restrooms to thwart domestic terrorism, a bill was passed this morning that will make surveillance from the urinal legal.
What you need to know:
This does not mean that every urinal will be under surveillance. The urinals most susceptible to this new bill are government controlled urinals i.e. public bathrooms
Is my urinal recording me?
Maybe. Though the bill allows private urinals to record activity, it only allows federal agents to have access to the footage in case of domestic terrorism. There are, however, some stipulations. Big sites like Facebook and Snapchat were trying to get a finger in the pie to use urinal surveillance for advertising purposes, which may be allowed in the future.
Will there be a warning?
No. Urinals are not, by law, required to express they are recording you. Some private urinals may have warnings just to be informative.
NY – Following a deadly terrorist incident that left 8 dead and over several injured, police searched the belongings of 29 year old Sayfullo Habibullaevic Saipov. In his left pocket they found a syringe filled with feminine hormones including Flamthol and Estrogen.
Autopsies revealed that some of the victims were stabbed with the cocktail of “Gay Inducing Hormones” as described in Saipov’s diary. His diary also revealed a plan to induce homosexuality in as many of his victims possible so they would be stricken by Phallus, the Muslim god of Homophobia.
Saipov’s diary outlined a plan to induce homosexuality in men and women alike from the Western world to bring about a rapture that would kill all Americans. This sort of insane, backwards thinking highlights the nuanced motives of modern terrorism.
“The Muslims want everyone to be gay” says Robert Barone, lead anthropologist at Marlboro University, “This is outlined and described at length in the Quran, and it has been talked about for decades by the Muslim leaders. By making the Western world gay, they will trigger Allah to kill the perpetrators. This is why we have seen gay propaganda funded by Muslim organizations in the past”