Washington – A classic Superbowl strategy. President Trump has proved yet again that successful leadership takes a certain amount of eclecticism and risk. In the final days of the election when he was running neck and neck for the presidency with Hillary Clinton, Trump realized that the prospect of losing was on the table.
To avoid a total loss, Trump identified opportunity. He purchased 100,000 Hillary ’16 tee shirts which he was going to sell for $20 a piece if Hillary won. “I was an administrative assistant in Trump’s campaign” says a former Trump employee, “the last several weeks of the campaign were spent designing and purchasing 100,000 Hillary Tee-shirts, which we later threw out after Trump won. He only spent a couple hundred grand on them”
“Business tycoons need to be fountains of creativity” says Harvard MBA instructor Tom Grosley, “They ideate new campaigns and ideas constantly to facilitate business growth. Creative problem solving is the hallmark of business success”
Though Trump’s tee-shirt business ultimately failed, his display of entrepreneurship is one of the reasons he is lauded by many as an influential business mogul
Boston MA – “With diminishing Production Assistant jobs and a slowing market for video work, this opportunity struck me as a great way to travel the world and get some experience,” says Tommy DeVito, Junior at Emerson College.
ISIS is the first terrorist organization to implement marketing into their corporate structure. It is well known that ISIS puts in a great deal of work producing professional level propaganda. “They are adapting to the digital age,” says Billy Batts, professor of terror research at Harvard University, “they use professional equipment for videos, professional editing software, social media outlets, email campaigns, even SEO. They run a legitimate operation similar to most American businesses. Minus the terror and killing, I could see why naive college students are attracted to the opportunity.”
ISIS greased through sub-Reddits and Facebook groups using monikers and sock accounts to hand pick 25 Americans to outsource their marketing campaigns. At first they targeted Muslim Americans, but were met with disdain and outrage. The most responsive group were young white men who had trouble finding a job.
“Look,” said DeVito, “I am not doing the killing, I am not contributing to the terror, I am just acting as a liaison between an organization, and a country. I have no shame in doing this. If anything, I am doing the world a favor by showing everyone what ISIS is about”
This kind of delusional thinking stems from unemployment, and hopelessness. “It is characteristic of the Millenial generation” says Batts, “its hard to find a job today so they’ll take all the experience they can get. If it were my kid, I’d disown him. Stay unemployed. Don’t work for ISIS”
Washington – In the wake of possible war-inducing rhetoric between Trump and North Korea, Trump on-boarded a team of analysts at the White House to help identify weak spots in North Korean culture, and develop a plan to shed a positive light on his public image.
“I am hoping to get the Koreans to side with me,” said Trump in a press conference this morning, “if the Koreans love me, and they will, then they will see that Kim Jong Un is Kim Jong Un-Qualified…”
The pun is already blowing up on Twitter, with some people noting how it was written by a seasoned “Pun-writer” to tap into the Korean cultural predilection towards puns.
“We did look deeply into Korean culture to tease out what their people respond to” says white house analyst Craig Gannon, “We found in our analysis that Koreans, along with other Eastern countries, are the largest ‘Pun consumers’ in the world. Puns are sort of fetishized there. Any art historian will tell you that puns have been visible in Eastern culture since the dawn of landscape art, and with loud echoes ringing throughout modern Anime and Manga.”
The speech writers and analytic team collaborated on a speech that would include at least one pun to address North Korea. This was a trial run to test the waters, said our White House correspondents, but expect more puns in the future if it goes over well.
CT – A local man has hired a lawyer to represent him in Edge Fitness Center Vs. Tony Ambroelli.
Tony Ambroelli was evicted from his New Haven apartment in 2016 because of failure to make rent. Following his eviction he moved into a Pod storage unit where he paid $200 a month, but lacked a bathroom and shower. He was “urinating into large Gatorade bottles, and defecating into paper shredders.”
Searching for cheaper, more comfortable living spaces, Tony remembered his $20 subscription to the Edge Fitness center. After confirming with Edge staff that the gym is open 24/7, Ambroelli moved his light luggage into a locker.
Since June, Ambroelli has been sleeping and showering in the gym locker room. Now the Edge Fitness Center is hoping to evict him.
“Nowhere in the membership contract does it explicitly prevent paying members from sleeping or showering in the gym. In fact, showering and resting are encouraged activities!” says Ambroelli’s lawyer Tom Heinks.
Edge Fitness Center has not made a comment to the press.
NY – Crises Text Line, the suicide support app entirely funded by volunteers and donations, accepted Michelle Carter to redeem herself as a suicide counselor yesterday following her recent sentencing. The nonprofit pairs suicidal users with counselors to offer support.
Carter’s lawyer made a statement about the new endeavor “Well, Michelle has learned her lesson. She is ready to start giving back to the community.”
Just hours after her on-boarding, Michelle was fired for promoting strategies that were “Not in line with effective suicide prevention” said Crises Text Line CEO.
Some conversations included the following:
Anonymous user: Today is the day, I’m going to off myself
Carter: Put your money where your mouth is.
In another conversation, Carter urged the user to go through with the suicide, calling him a pussy.
Anonymous user: I don’t know if I can go through with this.
Carter: Don’t be a pussy, its not becoming of you.
Needless to say Carter was asked to resign from her position. She is exploring new ways to give back to the community.