Forget Coffins, This Company Will Turn You Into A Low-Income Housing Project When You Die

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Coffins are old school. A New York property developer claims that he can turn your corpse into a low income housing project.

Finding our place in the world when we pass is hard. Are we content with our flesh dissolving helplessly into the earth? This is a common theme in burial culture. Some companies are offering to turn your body into a tree. Others turn your corpse into a crystal ball.

What better way to carry on your benevolent character than to be transformed into something for the greater good? Din Veisal of NYC is a famous property developer who will bury you under a housing project for the low price of $5. Some say he has mafia connections and has been doing this to throw the feds off a trail that will lead them to hundreds of unwilling persons who are buried under his buildings.

Regardless, its a great idea.

How to get laid with $10 and a Red Bull

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Drink half the red bull. You don’t wanna be up too late, because you’re going out again tomorrow night.

Hold on to the ten bucks until Friday night, you’ll need it for a cover.

Find a dive bar with a lot of college students where the cover is $5. OR if you can find a party, even better.

Dress well. Dress like you are going to a business casual party where there will be important people. Women like when you dress up because it shows that you have self respect. Most of the schlubs in the bar wear jeans and a tee shirt because they feel they are too good for nice clothes.

Let me break this down. In terms of where you fit in a social hierarchy, your attire is telling. Jeans and a tee shirt will land you in a realm of possibilities where the most common denominator is probably somewhere between a Walgreens employee, or maybe a semi successful mechanic (depending on your smell, but we’ll get to that later)

You want to live in the high end of the social spectrum where your appearance dictates that a feasible minimum for you is university student, and your maximum is a high achieving professional.

Once you throw on a nice button down shirt, khakis, and nice shoes, you’re ready to mack. Pro tip – stay away from boat shoes. The frat look is aesthetically attractive, but it triggers a negative Pavlovian response in women due to the how frequently frat boys disappoint.

OK, so you left your boat shoes at home, you’re dressed all snazzy, you’re walking towards the bar, and you’re half a Red Bull deep into the night. What do you do now?

GET A WINGMAN

Wing men are essential counterparts in the courtship dance. They can pull you from an awkward situation, or draw you into a beneficial one. They are instrumental in getting you laid. SO call up a buddy, and invite him out.

Now you are ready.

You’re in the bar. You’re looking around. Girls are tripping over their heels onto each other. Guys are calling out to distant bros. Some people are on their phones, others are wall flowers. Where do you go from here?

You mack. Don’t think, just mack.

Go up to every girl you see, one by one and say “hello, my name is _____” Start a conversation. Now, you may be wary of this method because you understand the possibility exists that you will be rejected. Well, yes. You will be. But only about %30 of the time!

I crunched the numbers for you – %70 of girls you go up to are willing to have some sort of conversation, be it short lived or lasting. %50 of that %70 will be willing to give you their numbers, and about %5 total will perceive you as a viable suitor. The other %30 will reject you in a nightmarish fashion that no man can come back from. Except you.

Common curve phrases to expect from condescending women at the bar:

“I have a boyfriend who’s way hotter than you”

“Ugh, no thanks (muffled scoff)”

“She is taken, get away from her she doesn’t want you”

“Um yeah, no thanks”

Don’t worry, like I said, only %30 of women will treat you like absolute shit. It makes sense really. Half of the night life experience for women is dodging harassing men. You can’t blame them for being bitchy, it’s simply survival.

But, this is just my experience. You need to collect data for yourself. Once you have a working experimental model of your successes and failures, you will feel confident in talking to girls at the bar. In any given field or career, data analysis is a crucial tool in optimizing your procedures. Make note of how many girls you approach, how many curve you, how many are too drunk to hold a coherent convo, and how many give out their numbers. This is sales. You are the product.

Now you’re ready to start getting numbers. NEVER NEVER NEVER ask a girl for her number. Asking a girl for her number leaves the door wide open for excuses, insults, and berating words. Instead, open your dial pad and put the phone in her hands. This is a keystone sales technique used by door-to-door salesmen to collect information from clients. When a person is given an item, they feel in control and are more likely to divulge personal information.

If you follow these steps, you will get laid eventually. Maybe not the first night, but if you consistently work towards these goals every week, you will get laid.

How To Walk The Walk

There are several key habits you must live by in your personal life if you wish to master fluency in the courtship dance.

  1. Watch chick flicks. Watching movies like Titanic, or anything with Zooey Deschanel as the protagonist will provide a blueprint for what girls are looking for in a guy. Act like the guys in the movies. Tell stupid jokes, tell them you’re nervous around beautiful women, say you just want someone to build with, etc. A literal pick up line of mine is “I just want a relationship like in the movies” Girls find it funny, but also deep down they recognize that as truth.
  2. Determine the right cologne. There is a guaranteed way to do this. Go to a Meineke auto center and pick out the chubbiest employee. Start a conversation and discretely sniff out his scent. What you’re doing here is determining what NOT to smell like. Now you can go to Walgreens and pick out a scent that is the olfactory opposite of what you smelled at Meineke.
  3. Smell testosterone-y. Before you hit the bar, do 20 push ups. This will let your pheromones breathe like a fine wine.
  4. Bring Franzia. Get a box and leave it in your car. Franzia is as valuable as a wedding ring.Now you’re really ready. Remember, jokes aside, sexual assault is a real thing. Don’t jump the gun when you’re flirting with women. If shes too drunk she cannot make proper decisions. Getting laid functions primarily as a massive ego stroke. Think about it. Your best time masturbating was probably 10 times better than your worst sexual experience. You can take care of yourself at home if you don’t find a safe and appropriate opportunity to court a female.