Let me start by saying: I am so over you.
With that in mind, here is my open letter to an open response that you posted last week in reference to a previously written open letter in which I addressed one of your open letters that, I felt, villainized me.
Listen, ex BAE; we used to be the cutest couple. Remember when we remixed the Pina Colada song to better fit our personal interests:
“If you like sippin on sizzurp, and makin it rain…if you’re not into Zumba, and you like Gucci Mane.”
We had our golden years baby, but for SOME REASON you decided to inflict pain on my heart. A pain of genocidal proportions. To say the least.
We had it all. Everlasting love, a nice trendy coffee shop to frequent, a baby on the way. But then the baby came out black, and you convinced me that the race of our child was the result of a recessive gene in my DNA.
And I believed you. How could I not? You were taking intro to biology classes at the local community center. You knew your shit.
Then, three weeks later, I stumbled upon an adult film in which you were the featured talent. You were having sex with a black guy. The end credits even listed your full legal name. But you said, it was just a coincidence.
I believed you. Because I loved you.
I should have known all the used condoms that were turning up in our bedroom had nothing to do with “New techniques in Feng Shui”, like you claimed. How could I be so gullible?
But I believed you, Because I loved you.
I should have known that when you got married to a black guy under a canopy in Block Island, you weren’t just “practicing for ours.” That was a real priest! You actually got married to him!
But I believed you. Because I loved you.
Now…we find ourselves here. You have a solid restraining order against me, which, if broken, could result in long term incarceration for me. I intend to break it to the fullest extent of illegality. Because I love you.