Easter Basket, or Shalach Manos?

Having trouble identifying those mysterious packages on your doorstep? Can’t decipher if the gifts are celebrating Easter or Purim?

Here are some comprehensive steps in discerning the differences between Easter baskets and Shalach Manos.

1. Have you received ‘Must’ gum in your basket?

must gum.jpg

‘Must’ gum is the go to identifier of Shalach Manos. If you find a package of Must gum in your gift, you can end your investigation, because you have received Shalach Manos.

2. Is there a chocolate bunny in your basket?

chocolate rabbit

Often times chocolate bunnies signify an Easter basket. But, depending on how ostracized your Jewish community is, a Frum person may mistake Bunnies as a representation of the biblical commandment “Be fruitful and multiply.” Be careful with the bunnies. Try checking to see if the bunny is wearing an ironic Yarmulke. Some Shalach Manos have evolved to incorporate humor and irony.

3. Check your bag for poorly wrapped Marble cake, seven layer cake, or Babka

marble cake

Stale Marble cake poorly held together by clumping Saran wrap is a definite indicator that you have received Shalach Manos.

4. You chipped a tooth on one of these cookies, and can’t figure out which religion to blame

easter cookies.jpg

Blame the Christians. These elaborate pebbles can be soft and delightful right out of the oven. But after sitting on your porch for several hours they have hardened with diamond like toughness. They are Italian Easter cookies, and they have kept dentists in business since Jesus.

5. Someone folded a glob of Smuckers into a disfigured triangle and put it in the same bag with the Lemonheads. 

Hamantashin

They’re called Hamantaschens, and no, the Jews don’t even bother wrapping them. They just dump ’em in a used shopping bag from a Monsey grocery store and expect you to fish through jelly covered Nosh to get to them.

6. Someone accidentally dropped an entire egg into their dough and left it in the bread

egg bread.jpg

It wasn’t an accident, this was tactfully planned. Christians have discovered the flavorful confluence of sweet bread, and a hearty egg to go with it. After finishing your sprinkled desert, you now have the option of disarraying your taste buds with a gelatinous sphere of salt.

7. You can play Hebrew scrabble with your cookies

aleph bits.jpg

These are found in Shalach Manos. Similar to Aplha-Bits, these are uniquely called Aleph-bets. They taste as holy as they look.

8. You are having fun positioning tiny candy bunnies to make them look like they are humping

peeps

They are called Peeps. They are the classic markings of Easter. Since their structure is so adherent, a lot of people melt them down into makeshift glue.

9. You got sushi, or candy made to look like sushi

sushi.jpg

Sushi is an unexplained fetish in the Jewish world. No one is quite sure why, but it has been trending in recent years.

10. Gefilte fish? or dish sponge?

gefilte fish.jpg

Gefilte fish is like the hot dog of the fish industry. It is made of unused fish parts industrially pulverized into a a sausage that is then cut up into little slices and served with a carrot garnish. If you’re used to it, it can be quite tasty. If you live healthily you may want to ask your doctor if it is right for you. Either way, Gefilte fish only shows up in Shalach Manos.

 

 

We hope this cleared things up. Happy Purim, Happy Easter.

 

 

An open letter to the open response my Ex posted about my previous open letter

white girlLet me start by saying: I am so over you.

With that in mind, here is my open letter to an open response that you posted last week in reference to a previously written open letter in which I addressed one of your open letters that, I felt, villainized me.

Listen, ex BAE; we used to be the cutest couple. Remember when we remixed the Pina Colada song to better fit our personal interests:

“If you like sippin on sizzurp, and makin it rain…if you’re not into Zumba, and you like Gucci Mane.”   

We had our golden years baby, but for SOME REASON you decided to inflict pain on my heart. A pain of genocidal proportions. To say the least.

We had it all. Everlasting love, a nice trendy coffee shop to frequent, a baby on the way. But then the baby came out black, and you convinced me that the race of our child was the result of a recessive gene in my DNA.

And I believed you. How could I not? You were taking intro to biology classes at the local community center. You knew your shit.

Then, three weeks later, I stumbled upon an adult film in which you were the featured talent. You were having sex with a black guy. The end credits even listed your full legal name. But you said, it was just a coincidence.

I believed you. Because I loved you.

I should have known all the used condoms that were turning up in our bedroom had nothing to do with “New techniques in Feng Shui”, like you claimed. How could I be so gullible?

But I believed you, Because I loved you.

I should have known that when you got married to a black guy  under a canopy in Block Island, you weren’t just “practicing for ours.” That was a real priest! You actually got married to him!

But I believed you. Because I loved you.

Now…we find ourselves here. You have a solid restraining order against me, which, if broken, could result in long term incarceration for me. I intend to break it to the fullest extent of illegality. Because I love you.