Kanye West Proposes His Birthday Be Recognized As National Holiday

kanyeCA – Kanye West is under fire after making questionable remarks last night at a celebratory musician dinner. He was delivering a speech on maintaining humility in the celebrity world. The speech was addressed to fellow celebs in the audience including Ashton Kutcher, Kim Kardashian, and Kendrick Lamar.

In the midst of his speech Kanye proposed an idea that had our eye brows raised.

“Society celebrates the strong,” Kanye said “we celebrate the ultimate influences in society by recognizing their birthdays, and celebrate the day that god gave those people to us, together. Thats why, I think, ya’ll should celebrate my birthday, together, and with me, because that is the best way to show a person you respect them. Without respect, we are nothing. So, yes, I do believe my birthday should be a national holiday, to respect me, the country, and the countries founders.”

This is not the first time Kanye has taken hold of the spotlight through off the cuff, awkward remarks. His aggrandized ego seems to stay hungry, there is never a dull moment when listening to him. It is no surprise that such a remark was made by Kanye.

Faltering over his words, Kanye later stated that he stands by his speech but will not “cause a fuss” if his birthday is not immediately recognized by the nation because he claims that eventually he is assured it will be.

-Staff

Meek Mill Takes Up Part-Time Job At Denny’s After Nicki Complains Of Him Freeloading

Collage DennysBeverly Hills, CA – Nicki and Meek have been together for over two years. The couple first met over Twitter beef in 2009, a run of the mill standard for celebrity dating now a days. Meek then took Nicki out on several dates and soon enough, the two were Twitter official.

Meek and Nicki lived lavishly for a short time. Splurging credit, high stakes poker, high flying in private jets; they had it all. But their fast-paced lifestyle came to a standstill when Nicki realized that Meek simply did not have the income to fund such luxuries. Her discovery of Meek’s financial shortcomings gave way to a new attitude in the relationship.Nicki turned into somewhat of a hard ass and demanded that Meek “get a real job”- reliable sources.

Meek was flirting with the concept of rap at the time and had already built a steady career for himself, but the income was still not enough. To make matters worse, the rapper experienced a heated back and forth, or “back to back” as some refer to it, with his his famed contemporary, Drake. The aftermath of this battle resulted in his music career being torn from mediocre heights to an abysmal low.

Defeated, Meek spent the next half year growing out his stubble, and then shaving it off to see which looks better. He  arrived at a conclusion to keep half stubble, half shaved.

With his newfound semi-clean working mans look, Meek is ready to hit the job market. Sources claim to have seen Meek dressed in a suit and tie, entering a Five Guys, and a Burger King on two separate occasions. Each time Nicki was seen trailing behind him with a scornful look on her face, and she was muttering “If you don’t get this one Meek, I’m gonna have to be featured on one of your songs again.”

Meek was last seen leaving a Denny’s in the upper Hollywood area. He was elbow jerking the air proclaiming “Yes, Yes, I got the job.”

Sources suspect he got the job.

-Staff

Nicholas Cage To Play Chad Kroeger In Nickelback Documentary

CollageHollywood, CA – The famed  post grundge rock band, Nickelback, is expected to release a monumental documentary exploring their struggle through the harsh 90’s, their influence on classic rock, and pop culture as we know it today. The documentary is going to be filmed in Noir, a characteristically dark genre, to exemplify the struggles the band underwent in drastically molding modern styles.

Nickelback is best know for their pensive lyrical prose, unique styles, and authentic sound. The band has been recognized for bold political pieces such as “Look at this photograph”, a song about Andrew Weiner’s notorious dick pics, and “Rockstar”, a song that eventually contributed to the black lives matter movement.

The pending documentary will celebrate the band’s countless feats. Sources have confirmed that Nicholas Cage will be playing the lead role in the film as Chad Kroeger, with Meryl Streep playing the supporting role as Avril Lavigne. The documentary is in production and will hopefully be in theaters next summer.

-Staff

Plus sized model fired after stealing company donuts

fattassNY – Martha Stronghold, an up and coming plus sized model, is intent on revolutionizing the beauty industry. “Every body is beautiful” she boldly states in an exclusive interview. “Our plus sized bods should be free from judgement. Everyone is a human being.”

The aspiring model’s vision of beauty equality was driven into the ground Friday, when Stronghold was fired for pilfering company purchased donuts.

Bill Buckaman, CEO of ‘Chubby-Chasers’, the company Stronghold worked for, speaks out on the issue. “At Chubby Chasers, we value authenticity. That’s why, every morning we show our employees genuine care by buying them a full tray of donuts for their enjoyment. Company policy strictly states one donut per person. Now, some of us take two every now and then, but Martha was taking way above her fair share of donuts on a daily basis. It got to a point where, sometimes no body but Martha got donuts on a given day. We did all we could to confront her, but she would not comply so we had to let her go.”

Buckaman contends that such an agency is prone to experience food-related problems. “I work with chubby models,” he says, “They like to eat, just like skinny models throw up to keep themselves thin, my models eat to keep their careers. Listen,. I know it may be because of the stress of the job, but that’s not excuse to be dishonest. I wish the best to Martha and her future endeavors.”

Meanwhile, Martha has gained national recognition as a martyr in the industry. “I will stay true to myself” says Martha, “I like donuts. I eat them. Me losing my job just goes to show the intolerance in this country that plus sized people experience every day.”

 

 

– Staff

Squirrel Couple Freeze At Exact Moment Of Reaching Orgasm

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Two Squirrels frozen together, connected by the genitals

Canada – Josh Goodman stumbled across an interesting sight this morning while leaving his suburban home in Toronto. It is no surprise that, with the weather being so cold, Goodman found a squirrel couple frozen together by the genitals.

The couple had been mating throughout the night, and by morning they were frozen solid. Goodman claims that the male squirrel must’ve been frozen at the precise moment of orgasm because “Just look how content he looks”, says Goodman.

Out of all the strangest Canadian wonders Goodman has witnessed this one takes the cake. Being a lover of nature, Goodman is upset by the two casualties of the winter season. “I love all animals, its sad to see them go” he says.

-Staff

Beyonce and Black Panther dancers loot Chicago following Superbowl performance

Beyonce riots

Chicago- Our criticisms of Beyonce’s racially charged Superbowl performance have proven to be justly appropriate, as officials are linking the posse to a series of riots that occurred Sunday night after the game. The riots were executed similarly to the famed 1968 Panther riots which came as a result of the murder of Martin Luther King.

Beyonce and her performers are being held responsible to the widespread havoc that took place Sunday night. Officials claim that Beyonce and her crew overturned several hundred vehicles in the Chicago area, through methods of group twerking.

“We should have been warned” says one official, “that Superbowl performance was way too edgy for me. It gave me a knot in my stomach to hear the word ‘Negro’ exclaimed so freely. We should have known that this anti-white propaganda would escalate to such heights.”

Chicago residents wallow in remorse as they piece together the remains of their once prosperous city. One resident says “Never again will I buy a Beyonce song off Itunes. Its all pirated music from now on”

More as the story develops.

-Staff

‘The Bachelor’ goes gender neutral to adapt to modern times

the bacherlorABC is reevaluating the current dynamic of ‘The Bachelor’ in hopes to draw in a larger audience. “People these days are seeking love with the same sex, and gender is no longer binary like it was in the good old days” says Ron Stevenson, director of communications for the show. With gender fluidity on the rise, The Bachelor is seeking to create a more inclusive cast. “We can’t limit our cast to just male, and female. It’s just so not progressive.”

The current season of the Bachelor will play out with its original cast, but sources say the show will undergo some remodeling before the next season. Meg Bryce, the new director of the show, and notorious social justice warrior, spoke about the issue “We hope to create a more gender neutral atmosphere to be all inclusive of every sex and identity. Next season we will have men, women, bis, gays, and trans people, competing to win the love of a bachelor who identifies as neither male nor female. We realize times are changing, and we are ready to make appropriate changes to match the times”

Social Media has taken hold of this issue with the gender neutral community expressing praise.

Jolene Williams, a gender neutral Twitter user posts:

“Good for the bachelor! Its about time we saw more diversity”

More on the issue as it develops.

-Staff

Man writes name and address on each limb every morning to cope with new disorder

forearmLimb Dismemberment Paranoia, a new disorder being classified along side obsessive compulsive disorder and schizophrenia. It is the irrational fear that an assailant will sever a persons limbs and disperse them randomly.

Origins of the fear can be traced back to the seventies when several notorious serial killers were arrested for dismembering their victims and hiding the limbs in different places. The disorder has since escalated in the medical field and records state that over 1,000 Americans suffer from it.

Joel Brown, 21, of Missouri, has been suffering from LDP for over ten years. “When I was a child” he says “I saw this movie where the criminal cut up his victims and hid their limbs in different areas of the country. Then police had to search every where and could not identify the limbs. Ever since then, I have been writing my name and address on each limb, including my penis, for the past ten years. I would get tattoos of my name on my limbs, but this disorder is characterized by an immense fear of pain, and I could not tolerate the pain of a tattoo.”

Doctors are calling this disorder a “growing epidemic” in certain areas of the country. People who live in states that are high in serial murders, Texas, Missouri, Wyoming, are prone to developing this disorder.

Dr. Sanchez, of Texas explains:

“The onset of this disorder is generated by prolonged anxiety. The anxiety then develops into irrational behaviors  that include xenophobic tendencies among taking irrational steps to avoid being cut up limb by limb.”

 

More research is being done on the topic.

-Staff

History reveals the laziest generation to have ever existed

catty.jpg“They want wealth without having to work for it” …”They have never worked a day in their lives”…”They feel they’re too good for the jobs that are given to them”- These are just several expressions we hear about the laziest generation to have ever existed.

High school civics class has taught us that history has a way of unfolding to benefit the modern day world. History has plenty of dark periods, some of which are still lingering, but generally we are only informed of all the wonders our human history has achieved.

People of the past are thought to have worked hard to provide the lives that we live today. When we are being idle, we hear our parents shout “How can you be so lazy, your grandfather fought in the war for you!” etc. We hear phrases like this often in youth.

Nowadays, a burgeoning generation emerges- the Millenials- a generation defined by social trends, consumerism, and downright laziness. But are the twenty-to-twenty something year old’s truly the laziest generation to have ever existed?

The truth is, a lot of Millenials are in school studying, which is no effortless task. Plenty of Millenials work part-time jobs and pay bills as well. Some are business owners, hustlers, and musicians. So the answer is not so clear.

Looking back three to four hundred years ago, an even lazier generation reveals itself.

1607 Jamestown, Virginia- John Smith spearheads the first permanent colony on American soil along with 100 other men. Smith’s followers included indentured servants who were promised a piece of land at the termination of their labor, and entrepreneurs  who invested in the risky enterprise.

American life was difficult for the colonists. Though they procured help from the Native Americans, the colonists continued to struggle. Cultural differences contributed to the failures of the colony. Native Americans, for example, would hunt for their food, while Colonists viewed hunting an activity that was strictly for sport. The colonists would rather farm the land, but some of the entrepreneurs were too lazy to work.

John Smith was so fed up with the lazy colonists, he proclaimed the famous quote

“He who does not work, neither shall he eat”

A quote that has had implications in Lenin’s philosophy, centuries later.

The interesting thing is, some colonists took Smith up on his offer. By the end of the first year a substantial amount of colonists died of starvation. This starvation was preventable if they would have been willing to work, but the entrepreneurs did not wish to compromise their identities as gentlemen.

The colonists literally chose death over work.

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So, compared to the Millenials, who maybe engage in excessive Tweeting now and then, I’d say there have been lazier generations in the past. Choosing death over work is characteristic of a lazy generation.

 

Feminist blogger claims she was “unjustly terminated” after making sexual advances at male boss

23971275379_84a3a5ce54_oVirginia – We don’t hear too many news stories about women getting burned on sexual harassment charges in the workforce. Most stories having to do with sexual harassment overwhelmingly concern male offences. With that being said, it is no wonder that the recent sexual harassment charge involving Vanessa Idlemon, 31, of North West Virginia, came as a surprise to the local news.

Her peers found the charges quite startling considering that Idlemon, in addition to being described as “timid, and shy”, also serves as a national voice in the Feminist community. “For her to act upon such primitive instincts is unprofessional, but it also goes against her  core values as a feminist” says Martha Operan, a close co-worker of Idlemon.

Idlemon was working at a large opinion oriented website that focuses on civil liberties and social justice. The website hosts a collection of esteemed bloggers and columnists. She worked under the guidance of senior editor, Bill Longhorn. Longhorn managed and edited her well received blogs. “She was one of our most popular feminist bloggers” Longhorn says, “Why she would compromise her job over something so trivial, sex, is beyond me”.

Longhorn recounts the incident vividly. “I was sitting at my desk, doing paperwork, and in walks Vanessa. I said…Hi Vanessa, whats up? or something like that. Do you need me to look over anything for you?” Longhorn initially supposed that Vanessa needed help editing a blog, but then, awkwardness ensued. “She just stared at me” Longhorn continues, ” she crawled on my desk sensually and said ‘I’ve been naughty, punish me’. She arched her behind in the air and I figured said ‘What are you going to do boss?’.” At this point Longhorn found himself in an uncomfortable situation. He had learned about sexual harassment in the workplace through company funded seminars. He later admits “The encounter was beyond my scope of professionalism.”

After having climbed atop his desk, Longhorn says Vanessa began pleading for him to “Punish her.” Longhorn says “I didn’t have time to think about what the whole situation implied so I just kind of went a long with it. I said…OK, you want to be punished, I’m demoting you to Intern.” When the whimsical remark fell flat Longhorn began to panic. “She just kept crawling towards me and said ‘No, really. Punish me, I want pain’…So I said…you want to really be punished? I’m firing you. That shut her up.”

Idlemon left the office that day. She refuses to make any statements to our reporters, but we uncovered a recent Twitter post following the incident that reads:

“Women have needs, just like men do. But when we express our needs, we get fired, we get shamed, we get ostracized. This is exactly the inequality I’ve been talking about in my blogs. Today, women lost another battle.”

The post has gained substantial attention on social media, with some users finding themselves in heated comment wars. One user comments:
“You go girl, men practically grab us at the club, but when you make one harmless advance at them they freak out because its unprofessional. Bullsh*t”

Feminists everywhere are in support of Vanessa declaring  the hashtag #DontRegretGettingWet.

The hashtag implies that women should not be ashamed about acting on their sex drives. Idlemon’s incident has sparked a nation wide debate on gender inequality.

 

-Staff