TOP SECRET IKEA EXECUTIVE MEMO SAYS IKEA TO LET CUSTOMERS SKYDIVE OFF PIRELLI BUILDING TO COMPETE WITH JORDANS ROCK CLIMBING IN NEW HAVEN

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A top secret corporate memo smuggled out of IKEA’s corporate offices in Stockholm, Sweden reveals that IKEA executives plan to offer customers skydiving at the IKEA store located in New Haven, Connecticut.  IKEA took over a giant building, called the Pirelli building, designed by famous architect Marcel Breuer in 1969.  IKEA’s building is located between Interstate 95 and Interstate 91.  IKEA has operated this massive furniture outlet in New Haven without any competition for the last 20 years, until Jordan’s opened a superstore down the road two weeks ago.  Jordan’s is offering customers rock climbing, among many other adventures, in it’s store.  As soon as Jordan’s opened IKEA has been losing business.  IKEA’s stock has been plunging.  Executives at IKEA had to take drastic action to stop the bleeding.  Hence the idea for skydiving off the top of the Pirelli building.  The idea was hatched by IKEA executive Lars Bjerkingson.  In the top secret internal memo, leaked to Newsmobile by a disgruntled cinnabun employee, Lars plans to have customers skydive off the top of the Pirelli building, fly over Interstate 95, loop around the New Haven harbor, and then safely land back on the top of the Pirelli building, where customers will be served a dish of IKEA’s Swedish meatballs with a side of IKEA’s famous cinnabuns.  In the top secret memo Lars stated that customers will opt for the outdoor skydiving experience over indoor rock climbing at Jordans.  Lars mentioned that once customers enter the New Haven IKEA they tend to get lost in its maze like structure.  IKEA employees will be trained to tell customers that the quickest way to get out of the IKEA store is to skydive off the top of the building.

 

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