Uconn, Storrs- 8:00pm, Monday night. Uconn student, Martin Clark, hops off a Greyhound bus at Union Station in New Haven, CT. The station is nearly deserted. Clark receives a text from his mother that informs him she will be running an hour late to pick him up. Bored, and desperate to satisfy his primal sexual instinct, Clark heads to the restroom in hopes of “just masturbating a little bit.”, a statement he is quoted saying in a recent police report.
20 minutes later officials on guard at the station hear what they described as a “piercing, and surprised cry.” From the restroom emerges a frightened female custodian, who’s name remains anonymous. As she runs into the main lobby police notice she is being chased by a young Clark who has his pants half down. “I was just drying off a spill!” he is yelling.
Ten minutes after the ordeal, police get to the bottom of the scene.
Clark was purportedly found engaging in sexual behaviors with the Xlerator hand drying machine by a female custodian. The traumatized custodian reports “That boy had his d*ck all up in that hand drying machine.” she continues to describe how the incident has left her scarred “I’m not always gonna remember that boys face, but what I will never forget was the sound. ‘Whhhhrrrrrrrrrrrr’ I heard ‘Whhhrrrrrr’ then I saw his semen splattering across the floor, and I was like I ain’t cleaning that up.”
During questioning Clark admits that he originally intended to masturbate in one of the stalls, but became so sexually aroused that the Xlerator “just piqued my interest.”
Clark is being held in police custody with a $50,000 bail.
Uconn, Storrs Campus – Alexander Julius, a business student at the University of Connecticut, was wrongfully profiled in an attempted drug bust after a recent and exuberant Instagram post was called to question.
“What was this kid doing with ten grand cash?” asks Uconn chief of police, Bob Hud. “An anonymous source brought to our attention that Julius had posted a picture of a large stack of money on Instagram with the caption ‘Just a taste of what the drug life can get cha #MoneyMayweather #ImOnOne #GitOnMyLevelBoi’. As a university officer we had probable cause to search his dorm.”
This past Monday Police raided Julius’s dorm. They searched primarily under his bed and in his mattress, two locations where drug dealers have been known to hide their product. To their surprise, they could not find a single trace of any illegal substance. What they did find was a receipt from a People’s bank in Fairfield Connecticut which described a recent transaction in which Julius took out ten thousand dollars for a entrepreneurial business loan. The money was taken out in his fathers name.
The money was supposed to go to a dorm cleaning service that Julius wanted to start on campus. He admits now that he was never going to start any such serivce, he just wanted to money for an Instagram post. Sources say Julius joked with the teller at the bank when he was asked if the money was going to go to good use he said “Naw, I just want it to stunt on Instagram.” He quickly retracted his statement and said “Just kidding, I am starting a cleaning service and I need supplies.”
The Julius family has gotten involved. Dr. Julius, the father was quoted saying the following “We don’t know what to do with Alex. As punishment, we may just make him start a cleaning business. I think it would be fitting.”
Next semester if you see Julius cleaning on campus, you’ll know how it all started.
IKEA now offers Jewish and Muslim customers Kosher and Hallel certified cinnabons in order to attract them away from Jordan’s Furniture store that opened down the street in New Haven. The cinnabons are not actually manufactured by IKEA. The cinnabons are pre-made by Pillsbury. They come in a box that is stamped with OU and dairy kosher symbols. The cinnabons are cooked in ovens that cook nothing but cinnabons. A Jewish employee named “Yaacov” turns on the oven every morning. The cinnabons rest on kosher certified wax paper which is spread on top of metal trays that are used only for cinnabons. The cinnabons have met the strictest kosher and Hallel requirements. Local Iman Mohammed Mendel of the Moschiach Mosque located at 770 Crown Street in New Haven has given the cinnabons his stamp of approval and told Daily News Mobile, “These cinnabons taste better than the cinnabons I ate in Mecca.” The cinnabons have been certified kosher by the local rabbinical agency, the EPDP-VAAD of New Haven. Rabbi Shaygetz of the EPDP-VAAD was quoted as saying, “These cinnabons go great with a kosher pizza from Edge of the Hood. I have been feeding them to my goats. My goats love them. That means a lot because my goats are very finicky eaters.” Only time will tell if the cinnabons will attract Jewish and Muslim customers away from IKEA. A secret IKEA memo leaked to Daily News Mobile says that IKEA’s marketing department conducted surveys and determined that most Jewish customers would rather sit and eat cinnabons than climb rocks at Jordan’s. The survey also found that most Muslims come from very flat countries in the Middle East and would be afraid to climb rocks at Jordan’s. IKEA is hoping that this new marketing strategy will force Jews and Muslims to eat together at IKEA and break barriers. Just as Starbucks wrote “race together” on their coffee cups to get baristas to talk about race, IKEA is planning to offer a free cup of coffee with each cinnabon and write, “pray together” on each coffee cup. IKEA will encourage its employees to talk about monotheism to customers. IKEA hopes its new marketing campaign will lead to peace in the Middle East. Daily News Mobile contacted New Haven’s Mayor Toni Harp and asked her what she thought about IKEA’s new marketing strategy. The Mayor said that she was not a big fan of cinnabuns. She told Daily News Mobile, “I like to eat at Mama Mary’s Soulfood or D’Amato’s Southern fried fish across the street on Whalley Avenue. I think cinnabuns are boring and bland, the typical food that White people eat.”
A top secret corporate memo smuggled out of IKEA’s corporate offices in Stockholm, Sweden reveals that IKEA executives plan to offer customers skydiving at the IKEA store located in New Haven, Connecticut. IKEA took over a giant building, called the Pirelli building, designed by famous architect Marcel Breuer in 1969. IKEA’s building is located between Interstate 95 and Interstate 91. IKEA has operated this massive furniture outlet in New Haven without any competition for the last 20 years, until Jordan’s opened a superstore down the road two weeks ago. Jordan’s is offering customers rock climbing, among many other adventures, in it’s store. As soon as Jordan’s opened IKEA has been losing business. IKEA’s stock has been plunging. Executives at IKEA had to take drastic action to stop the bleeding. Hence the idea for skydiving off the top of the Pirelli building. The idea was hatched by IKEA executive Lars Bjerkingson. In the top secret internal memo, leaked to Newsmobile by a disgruntled cinnabun employee, Lars plans to have customers skydive off the top of the Pirelli building, fly over Interstate 95, loop around the New Haven harbor, and then safely land back on the top of the Pirelli building, where customers will be served a dish of IKEA’s Swedish meatballs with a side of IKEA’s famous cinnabuns. In the top secret memo Lars stated that customers will opt for the outdoor skydiving experience over indoor rock climbing at Jordans. Lars mentioned that once customers enter the New Haven IKEA they tend to get lost in its maze like structure. IKEA employees will be trained to tell customers that the quickest way to get out of the IKEA store is to skydive off the top of the building.