Bro executive puts $1,000,000 life insurance policy in rival CEO’s name in response to death threats

 

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Stanley and Foster at a 1995 business seminar. Stanley on the far left leaning in, Foster wears an orange name tag on his belt.

Newark, NJ- Steven Foster, an executive at Foster Communications, just took out a $1,000,000 life insurance policy and listed a primary business rival as the beneficiary. The reckless move is rooted in a persistent feud that has been flaming between Foster and his rival for nearly a decade. The rival is Chet Stanley, an executive at Fosters dueling company ‘Stanley co’.

Ten years ago Stanley and Foster sat down together as executive partners in a company board room. They worked together in a joint owned company called Foster and Stanley. Their company specialized in providing businesses with a means to global communication.

At the time the company was growing rapidly, but internal dissent led to a company wide deterioration. That’s when Foster and Stanley decided to part ways and branch out in two individual companies. Inflated egoism and a failure to compromise burgeoned a new found hatred between the two executives.

“I cannot work with Foster, he is simply full of himself and lacks concern for others. I will surely flourish in my new business endeavor and I am sure that Foster will fail on his own” Stanley was recorded saying at a 1995 press conference.

Though Stanley would have liked for his 1995 statement to have been true, he could not have been more wrong. Foster communications grew exponentially over the past decade, leaving Stanley in the dust. Stanley attributes his rivals successes to “luck.” Stanley co. remains a successful company, but it has not achieved nearly as much success as Foster’s company. The success of Foster has bred aggressive envy in Stanley.

In 2003 Stanley was reportedly seen in a bar with several other business men, and he was quoted shouting that he will “Kill Foster” if he has to. News got out to Foster of the impending death threat, but Foster did not respond.

Later in 2013, Stanley was reported to have again threatened to kill Foster, this time he left a message on Foster’s voicemail. The voice mail seems to have been recorded when Stanley was drunk and incomprehensible. Foster let the second threat slide until the next one which occurred this past October.

This time Stanley tagged Foster in a tweet and publicly denounced him. He threatened to kill him if he had the chance. He claimed that he would not go out of his way, but if someone gave him a good reason he would kill Foster “in a  heart beat.”

Foster’s advisers recommended taking legal action, but Foster was unconvinced. In response to the multiple death threats Foster decided to give Stanley a reason to kill him. In a Tweet by Foster two weeks after the threat he stated:

“Just took out a one million dollar life insurance policy and put it in Chet Stanley’s name. Lets see if you can put your money where your mouth is”

Sources confirmed that Foster was not bluffing. If Stanley somehow gets away with killing Foster, he earns one million dollars. Since the Tweet in October, Stanley has taken a long vacation but is finally back in Newark New Jersey. We are all waiting to see what will become of this mess.

-Staff

Father unintentionally gets 11 year old son addicted to cigarettes trying to teach him a lesson

father and sonBronx, NY- We’ve all heard tales from our ancestors that paint the past as a blossoming time for brutal parenting and tight penny pinching. Most stereotypes of yore have been extinguished in modern times. Child abuse remains illegal, and saving money is a task held at such impossible heights that people have simply given up on trying to do it. There exists, however, a minority population of generational stragglers in our nation. They are people who are unfazed by modern developments, and still believe in the “old way of doing things.”

Joseph Cambridge is one of these people. A fun-loving, self-proclaimed ‘hunk’ (according to his OkCupid page), he is notoriously known for abiding by old fashioned, out-dated societal standards. For example, it is rumored that at a recent Christmas party he gifted his closest friends with coupons listing chores he needed done, and corresponding payments he would make to whoever did the chores for him. When questioned about his bland gifts he stated “I gave the gift of employment.”

Yesterday afternoon, Joseph had a portion of the internet up in arms after a controversial Twitter post.

“I caught my 11 year old son Gary smoking a cigarette the other day, so I made him smoke a whole pack this morning to learn him a lesson. Problem is he ended up liking it. He’s been chain smoking all day. The boy can’t stop. Well, part of being a man is making your own decisions.”

Twitter users responded through vicious commenting. One user described Joseph as “A wretched distasteful man, clueless and a danger to all of us.” Another user who claims to have known Joseph in high school commented:

“Knowing Joseph from high school, I gatta say…the guy came from a messed up family. There was a lot of abuse in his family…and maybe some of that passed on to him. Its a damn shame that he has to go out and harm his own child…a damn shame”

Twitter users are questioning the ethical legitimacy of Joseph’s parenting. We can justify his actions by saying his thoughts are coming from a good place. The purpose of making a child smoke is to impede the child from smoking in the future, the assumption being that he will dislike the cigarette. BUT, what if the child gets addicted to nicotine, a highly addictive substance? No parent can foresee the future, but as caretakers we are responsible to stray from such impulsive, potentially life-altering decisions, no matter how good the payoff looks. The payoff of a child never smoking again in his life is tempting to entertain. The negative counterpart and possibility of a child becoming a smoker heavily outweighs any good in the situation.

 

 

Uconn student plagiarizes apology letter for plagiarism

college kidWhen Zach Wilson, a senior at  the University of Connecticut, left for winter break last week, he did not anticipate that he would never be allowed back. An aspiring Political Science major, and head of the ‘young politicians’ club, Zach was revered as a well-adjusted young man leaping towards success. His peers described him as cordial, good looking, smart. When news surfaced that Zach had cheated on a final for a legal writing class, it was easier for most to believe there was a mistake. Zach wrote off the allegations as slanderous efforts purported by his competitive peers. What surprised the young politicians club was the strong evidence against him.

“We believed Zach” says Sarah Zimmerman, a board member of the young politicians club, “He claimed that someone was setting him up, maybe one of his peers. He said it so genuinely, and he is not known as a liar, so we believed him. We actually fought for him too. But the evidence against his showed otherwise”

Professor Gilson, the instructor who made the allegations, released a video of Zach that was filmed on one of the school cameras. The video shows Zach leaving the lecture hall with his test when Gilson was not looking, and shuffling through a binder in the hallway. He then proceeds to write an essay response, copied word for word, of a previously written essay by a peer who passed the class with an A last year. The video also shows Zach making several phone calls which could have been phone calls to friends who knew the material on the exam. “Zach has always been a great student, it is a shame that such a smart kid would jeopardize his academic career like this” says Gilson “It was a dumb decision.”

After the conundrum Zach was let off with a promise to apologize to the professor and the Dean. The apology letter was exceptionally written. It was “Sincere, and filled with philosophical insights. Having Zach as a student, I immediately knew it wasn’t his writing” says Gilson “I typed in the first paragraph of the letter into Google, and instantaneously found results tracing to a student run site that shares all academic material ranging from college essays to ‘successful apology letters’. They had a whole category specifically made for various breeds of apologies. They had ‘cheating apology letters’ ‘plagiarizing letters’ even ‘apology letters for getting written up in the dorm.’ The whole thing is just so crazy.”

Gilson says that this is a big problem on College campuses. “I’ve seen it before but never to this extent.” College students have access to tried-and-true essays and material that will guarantee them good grades. Academic integrity has gone out the window with the rise of such sites. Gilson believes that Uconn has a tremendous problem with plagiarism and he would like to see some changes. “I just don’t know how we can change it” he says “I grade so many papers, I don’t have the time to google each one to try its legitimacy.” The issue has gone under further investigation by Uconn affairs.

-Staff

 

An open letter to the kid that spoiled the new Star Wars movie

starwars 2Dear old friend,

You have been blocked. Deleted. Ostracized from my feed.

I don’t want to write this letter, but I have to. For me to move on. I have to. I need to be free, so let me get the last word.

We met in High school. We were on the soccer team together, until you realized you have no redeemable athletic talents and dropped off. After your short lived soccer career, you started smoking weed with all the kids who listened to Pink Floyd. I remember for the longest time we had you convinced that Pink Floyd was a person. You believed it.

I wasn’t popular. Neither were you. But I made an effort to be your friend. When we had to partner up in Mr. Blum’s fourth period Civics class, you were always the first one at my desk. “Yo man, wanna be partners?” Sure. Lets be partners. I’ll do all the work, again, and you’ll distract me as you try out different conversational topics scoping the field to see if we relate on any level. We don’t.

One day, you brought up Star Wars. You told me you had the new Battlefront on your desktop. I was surprised, I didn’t think you were actually sort of cool. But you were. I mistook you, and for that I apologize. Later that night we hung out, and played multiplayer. We started having Star Wars marathons where we would watch the entire series through the night. Long nights and excessive dialogues concerning the Death Star lead to a lasting friendship. We procured a name for ourselves. We were the dweebs, but we didn’t care, it was us against the world. You gave me some of the most stimulating years of my life. I am grateful for that.

Then we went our separate ways off to college. You stayed in state, I went to a liberal school in Massachusetts. We fell off each others maps. By the end of Freshman year, we had different lives. Every now and then I would see your posts on Facebook, sometimes I would like them. It was good to see you doing well.

Then last week, you made a surprise appearance into my life. I was en route to the new Star Wars movie. I was sitting passenger with a bunch of friends in a new Ford. Ironic we were driving in a Ford, to a movie with Ford in it.

My phone binged. I checked it. I saw your face in the little messenger circle. For a moment I was excited. I haven’t heard from you in years. But, before I touched your beautiful little face in that little circle, I hesitated. I had a bad feeling that this would be the end. I was right. After seeing your message which read: “Yo BROOOO *insert spoiler here*”…There was a pause. The world stopped. Time was stagnant. I put my phone into my pocket, and also, my heart. I knew our friendship was over.

You ruined the only good thing that has come into my life in years. The famed Philosopher Jeremy Bentham measures joy and sadness in increments of Utility. One weight of happiness equals one Util, and sadness is scaled in negative Utils. The Utils I anticipated to receive from this movie were quantitatively equivalent to the joy of giving birth to a child. And you stole the experience from my hands. For that, I can never forgive you.

Since then, things have been getting better. I keep thinking about it, but I need you to know that I’m moving on. I’m leaving it in the past, I’m starting a new life for myself. I started participating in Yoga, and this new thing called Transcendental Meditation. I hear Jerry Seinfeld does it.

So please old friend, the only request I beseech is that you stay away from my life. Stay away from my family, my friends, etc. I have nothing to offer you, and you have nothing to offer me.