Local restuarant offers the “LGBLT” sandwich

lgblt      Portland, ME – A local restaurant in downtown Portland is offering a limited time “LGBLT” sandwich in celebration of the legalization of gay marriage. The sandwich is like any other BLT, except with rainbow bread. Costumers have the option of getting rainbow dyed meat, and rainbow dyed bacon in their sandwich as well. So far the sandwich has been very successful among the gay community in Portland, and even with the straight community. However, some protestors have formed outside of Slaters restaurant to stop the sale of “Gay propaganda.” The protestors are not a tremendous threat to the restaurant, but officials say that protestors sometimes harass customers at Slaters.

– Staff

Woman who raped man is being denied an abortion

creepy woman      Austin, TX- Marcia Williams was arrested for having non consensual sex with a man who has multiple disabilities. Police say that Williams coerced John Lucas into having sexual relations with her by claiming that having sex with her was the only way to salvage the world from eternal suffering. Lucas suffers from a variety of psychological disorders, and is often delusional. Williams is his personal caretaker. Several months ago, when Lucas asked Williams  “how can I save the world?” Williams tricked Lucas into sex and exploited his disability. Under Texas law, sex by coercion is considered rape. Williams has since become pregnant and is pursuing an abortion. In response, Lucas hired a lawyer through his new primary caretaker, and is filing for a lawsuit, claiming that Williams does not have the right to get an abortion because Lucas wishes to keep the baby. Constitutional law protects abortion under the right to privacy clause, but Lucas’s lawyer, Attorney Wilcox, argues that Williams forfeited her right to privacy when she raped Lucas. “A woman’s right to privacy should always be respected, we are not arguing that, but what about my client’s privacy? As a result of disrespecting my client’s privacy, Williams caused severe mental suffering to my client by raping him. Therefore, it should be contingent that she forfeits her rights to privacy for a baby that cannot be considered hers.” says Wilcox. Lucas and his lawyer do not stand a good chance in trial, but well renowned lawyers are agreeing nationwide, Attorney Baker from Louisiana had this to say “Exploiting ones mental disability is horrendous. I agree that since Lucas will have to suffer from this rape for the rest of his life, it is justified that Williams suffer through a nine month pregnancy.” More details are being released as the trial proceeds.


Brilliant or creepy? – Local man harnesses the energy of children

playgroundParley Hill, WA – The Wabino play area is a privately run playground located several miles from Parley Hill grade school. The grounds were constructed seventeen years ago, when James Wabino, 40, decided that he wanted to bring a little joy into the world. Wabino produced blueprints for an extraordinary playground, but subsequently got rejected by investors. After failing to get investors on his side, Wabino resorted to building the playground in his own backyard. For seventeen years Wabino has been modifying, and improving the playground. The playground is a tremendous success, and local children play on it for the majority of the day. A recently unearthed fact regarding the Wabino play area has led to suspicion this week, after a severe rain storm uprooted the Wabino swingset and exposed hundreds of wires and motors underneath the swings. Police investigated the swing set and assumed that Wabino was recording the children with electrical devices as they played. To obtain the recordings, police searched Wabino’s house, but they found something different. Wabino has designed each structure on his playground to generate energy based off of childrens’ movements. The swing set is attached to a series of wires and motors that store energy for future use. Every night Wabino plugs his Prius into an outlet that has stored tremendous amounts of “playground energy” over the years. Wabino was not available for questioning, but his community is outraged and police are investigating further.


Cosplaying man arrested after sling shotting birds at people

fat man2            Boston MA – Rudolf Saunders, a Boston resident, was arrested earlier this week at a small Cosplay community gathering. Cosplay is an activity in which gamers dress up as their favorite video game characters. Saunders apparently showed up to the event in downtown Boston dressed as an angry bird. Witnesses say Saunders came equipped with a sling shot and a basket full of baby chicks as well. Saunders then proceeded to sling the baby chicks at anyone who attempted to speak to him, claiming that he was an “angry bird” and was too angry to have a conversation. Upon his arrest, Saunders slung several chicks at police officers while chanting “down with the pigs, squash the pigs.” Saunders court date has not been released yet, but he is being evaluated by a psychiatrist in the meantime.


Woman masturbates with a lemon in Fresca sponsored porno

lemon                   Manhattan NY – For a long time Fresca has been operating under the Coca Cola company. Several weeks ago, the Coca Cola Company’s regional media manager, Teddy Luchs, devised a clandestine plan to bring mass media attention to the failing Coca Cola product, Fresca. Internal investigators for Coca Cola uncovered recent email exchanges between Luchs, and major porn producers. One email, sent from Luchs to a pornographic producer reads: “My superior can never find out about this, but I am thinking of a new, underground way to gain attention to Fresca, I’m thinking porn.” Several producers took on the project for free in promises to receive any money generated from the films. One film includes a young girl placing multiple lemons up her vagina, specifically, two lemons and one lime. At the end of the flick the screen reads “Fresca, as good as a wet pussy.” Luchs has since been fired from the Coca Cola Company, but has gained a surprising following on the internet.

– Staff

Colony of fire ants discovered living under mans scalp

fue             Newberg SC – Mark Tatro has been suffering from severe dandruff for over ten years. He has tried nearly every dandruff preventative remedy, but for some reason, his dandruff continues to get worse. Earlier this week Tatro brought his problem to a dermatologist who immediately suspected that Tatro might be suffering from an ailment more complex than dandruff. The doctor suspected that Tatro has a parasite called Norwegian Scabies living in his scalp. Upon further inspection, it became apparent that Tatro has red fire ants living under his skin. The ants colonized on the top of Tatro’s forehead, and have been living there for nearly ten years. Tatro has reported that his forehead is constantly itchy and irritating. Dr. Bonoso, Tatro’s dermatologist, found that under Tatro’s scalp there resides several hundred ants. Etymologist Litch Finters made the following statement: ” Tatro’s scalp has been infiltrated by ants. This is profoundly uncommon, and one wonders how ants can even survive under a scalp. If you look towards the edges of the infiltrated area, you see blue spots that fringe off of the sides. In land colonies it is common for ants to designate certain areas where the colony ants can relieve themselves, that is to say, where they can poop. Ant poop is characteristically blue, which describes the outer blue hue of the infiltrated area.” Tatro is receiving emergency surgery later this evening, and Dr. Bonoso is confident about the procedure.

– Staff

Dispute over car handle reaches supreme court

cardoorhandle                             Boisley NC – An argument involving a car handle erupted into a nation wide debate this week, when Thomas Dudley, 32, and Matt Pintrest, 35, brought a minor case to the supreme court. The case involved Dudley and Pinterest, who are two good friends, and an old Honda Civic. According to public records, the Honda Civic is registered in Dudley’s name. The initial argument occurred on a Wednesday night, after Dudley allegedly promised to give Pinterest a ride home from work. Dudley then allegedly had trouble maneuvering the key in opening the drivers door. Dudley claims that while he was attempting to open the car door, Pinterest kept “obnoxiously jiggling the passenger handle, like a little girl.” As a result of Pinterest’s impatience, the passenger handle snapped off. Pinterest refuses to accept responsibility for the damages claiming that “This is a societal issue. People always jiggle the handle while the car is being unlocked. There is no fault in that. It is what any reasonable man would do. We as Americans, have a right to jiggle handles, and thus have a right to be impatient as well.” The claim sounds preposterous at first glance, but the Supreme court has decided to take it. “Impatience is the cornerstone of the modern American lifestyle” said Justice Stevens, “If we weren’t impatient to get out of England to escape tyranny, there wouldn’t even be an America.” The Supreme court has announced that speculations on this case are being made, and the case will go to trial immediately. – Staff