NY- Two killers who escaped almost a month ago from a New York prison were believed to be headed to Canada. Their plans were not revealed until recently, when New York officials received an angry letter from David Sweat, fugitive “You killed my friend, my only love” writes Sweat, “we were making our way to Canada where gay marriage is legal, we were lovers, you killed the only thing that I love.” Richard Matt and David Sweat were gay lovers, trying to find an outlet. They originally escaped from their prison in order to move to Canada, where they could be properly wed. Officials were quoted saying “We were unaware of Sweat and Matts relationship. Now that this has come to light, we will work tirelessly to help gay prisoners in our correctional facilities.”
NJ- The water is originally poured for “Netilat Yediam”, a common practice in Judaism where observers wash their hands before a meal. Most Jewish households have personalized cups to perform this practice, but a lot of households buy the standard plastic cup with two handles. These cups were originally used in car shops for draining oil and only had one handle. When Mark Zuts, a prominent Neo-Nazi activist, discovered these cups he decided to add an extra handle. The reason he did this was to make the cups resemble a Swastika when they are stacked on top of each other. Zuts was well aware of Jewish practices, and purposely marketed his hand washing cups to the Jewish population in order to bring Swastikas into their homes. Recently uncovered emails from 1999 reveal Zuts plans: “when you stack the cups they look like a Swastika, if we sell them to Jews they won’t even know. It seems funny to me that we’ll also be taking their money”- An email Zuts sent to his ex partner in 1999. As you can see from this excerpt, the original two handle washing cup was designed specifically to trick Jewish people into unknowingly having Swastikas in their home. Zuts has yet to openly discuss this issue and is halting all business services.
Melbrook OH – Bob Steinberg and Jeff Stone have been friends since kindergarten. They are now in their forties, and have remained friends throughout their entire adult lives. Since kindergarten a lot has changed. Bob became an insurance salesman, and has had several children. Jeff has been a paramedic since high school, and also has a family of his own. Every fathers day the two friends host an annual fathers day bash, with events, music and a moon bounce. “When we were kids” said Bob, “every fathers day our dads would dress us up like roosters and we would beat the shit out of each other for them. Just as a kind of show for them.” This year the two fathers decided to do the same with their kids. “Nowadays we can’t have our kids beat the shit out of each other like back in the day, but we had them dress up like roosters and dance with each other” said Bob. “It was truly magical”
Tech Genius, Paul M.Card, is a somewhat simple man (other than his knowledge of many coding languages as well as all computer tech.) This California, Santa Marco resident has uncovered an ugly truth, and many are now themselves, is my iphone listening to me. We all know the convenience of simply shouting “Hey Siri” and having her voice respond to us in turn, but what does this mean for our personal security. Paul Mark Card has done testing and research and found out that not only is our iphones listening to us at all times, but we actually agree to have anything heard by our iphones the legal property. Research teams have repeatedly loudly exclaimed certain key phrases around a plugged in iphone, and what they found was that siri was noting these phrases stashed as cookies in the iphone. When browsing the internet later the research found that the advertisements and search suggestions were in direct congruence to what the research team was telling the iphone. Is this the future we want, where our phones conveniently find out what we want and help us find it or is apple just spying on us. You might need to ask yourself “Are we safe?”
Krute, Wisconsin – A Wisconsin man is being held in The Wisconsin Main Hospital after suffering severe electrocution, which was caused by a Mcdonald’s cheeseburger. Craig Levi ordered a cheeseburger from Mcdonald’s Saturday night and unknowingly to him, the meat had been doused in Lycosol, a highly conductive fluid usually used in cleaning kitchen supplies. Due to a cleaning error, workers at Mcdonald’s accidentally sprayed frozen meat patties with Lycosol. Being a phone wire technician, Levi ate his cheeseburger in a cherry picker as he fixed a dismantled wire. As he fixed the downed wire, he had his cheeseburger in the other hand. Levi then reached for a pliers, but his hands were full. To solve this problem, he put the Cheeseburger and the wire in one hand while his other hand fumbled for a pliers. Seconds after, electricity was conducted directly from the wire into the cheeseburger and Levi was electrocuted. Authorities have blamed Levi’s incompetency for the accident, but an FDA investigation is being conducted on the particular Mcdonald’s.
Jonestown OK- Ted and Lisa, owners of “Ted’s Pickling Farm”, were arrested early this morning for selling Pickles which were allegedly pickled inside of a human vagina. Jeffy Loganbaum, 14, noticed a distinct flavor in a jar of pickles that he purchased from the farm. “They taste like straight pussy” police quoted him saying. Ted and Lisa deny all allegations, Ted claiming that “A fourteen year old boy does not know what vagina tastes like”. Jeffy, however, insists that the pickles are a product of a human vagina. Police have brought the jar of pickles to a lab where they will be tested for vaginal residue.
USA- A federal audit was issued on Dunkin Donuts earlier this week, when law marshals discovered a lapse in marginal frontage costs that the company was using under the guise of accounting services. The marginal revenue generated out of this scam has topped over 500 million dollars. The scam is simple, yet unconstitutional. Here’s how it works: Dunkin sells coffee, coffee is their product. Coffee is the highest selling product at Dunkin Donuts. In 1998, Dunkin introduced the Iced Coffee which was an anticipated success, but for some reason they did not gain any extra profit. Dunkin reviewed their national inventory report and realized soon after that the only way they would make money off of Iced Coffee is by charging more for it. Dunkin started charging an extra 30 cents for an Iced Coffee. In addition to the price, they also started putting extraneous amounts of ice into the coffee in order to save their product. By adding a ridiculous amount of iced to their coffees, Dunkin saves billions each year, and robs from the public. A “Drinkable Beverage” as described in Congressional law has to contain “12 ounces of fluid, and no more than 50oz.” Dunkin has taken it upon themselves to define Ice as a fluid in a temporary solid state, and therefore it is acceptable to sell in coffees. Federal lawyers have argued that Ice is only a temporary fluid in certain conditions. The following argument by Attorney Buckton has been made in court “Lets say a Dunkin Donuts were to open in Antarctica? The Ice in their coffee would not be defined as a fluid in a temporary state, because it would remain solid under arctic conditions. In America, Dunkin can define Ice as a fluid as a temporary solid because in America it will melt.It is semantics, and nothing more” The takeaway from this story is that if you don’t want to get ripped off at Dunkin, ask for less ice.
Fort-Colburt, CA – Thomas Joplin arrived at the Saint Thomas Center of Surgical Prowess in western California early Friday morning for what was supposed to be a procedural mole removal. The next morning, however, Joplin came out of his anesthetic haze surprised and flustered. “The first thing I did was thank God” Joplin said, “I thanked God I was alive. The next thing I remember doing was looking down at my inner right thigh to see how it looked with my mole removed. To my surprise, the mole was still there. I did notice swelling in that area and upon further investigation I found that my original genitalia had been replaced with the genitalia of a female. I thought I was hallucinating.” Joplin would soon find out that he was not hallucinating. What had happened to Joplin is what Doctors are calling “Mal-Communicative Accidents” or in other words “Medical oopsies.” Such a happening occurs when two separate surgeries are swapped by accident, primarily due to the failing of medical office staff. Dr. Franco, Chief of Affairs at STCSP, had no comment on the matter, but did tell us that “Things like this rarely happen.” Sally Jonstone, the man who was supposed to receive the gender transformation, was also quite confused. “I woke up with a penis, and I was astounded” Jonstone said, “I thought my surgeon was trying to send me a message, you know? We went through all the paperwork, and we were ready to go. When I woke up after the surgery, my surgeon said to me ‘you should feel beautiful now’. I thought he was trying to tell me that I should feel beautiful just the way I am. Because of this experience I reevaluated my surgery and decided not to go through with it any further.” Jonstone also told us that even though he knows it was coincidental that he did not receive his surgery, he is glad that he still has his penis, and that he is taking this as a sign from God.
The story gets even more bizarre, as Joplin has since come to terms with his identity as a woman, and says this experience made him appreciate his femininity. Joplin disclosed to us that he likes being a woman more than he likes being a man. “It just feels right.” he concluded, “I am forever grateful.”
Swanson, NH – A high school prank resulted in a major tragedy this week, when students at West Swanson High school tampered with professional fire fighting equipment. Joel Marton, the ring leader of the prank, is also the son of Swanson’s fire chief. Along with several other students, Marton broke into his fathers study and gained access to secret codes. With the codes, the team of high schoolers broke into the city’s fire supply room and filled every hose with level 12 ignitable fuel. Fire that lights on a level 12 ignitability is aggressively contagious and similar to Napalm.
The next morning, Swanson fire fighters responded to a slight house fire. Under regular conditions the fire would have been easy to extinguish. Because of the level 12 fuel in the hoses, the fire amplified in power and took 15 houses down in its progression. The national guard was called and took 10 hours to fully put an end to the inferno. Marton and his friends are currently in police custody awaiting trial.