Forget Coffins, This Company Will Turn You Into A Low-Income Housing Project When You Die

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Coffins are old school. A New York property developer claims that he can turn your corpse into a low income housing project.

Finding our place in the world when we pass is hard. Are we content with our flesh dissolving helplessly into the earth? This is a common theme in burial culture. Some companies are offering to turn your body into a tree. Others turn your corpse into a crystal ball.

What better way to carry on your benevolent character than to be transformed into something for the greater good? Din Veisal of NYC is a famous property developer who will bury you under a housing project for the low price of $5. Some say he has mafia connections and has been doing this to throw the feds off a trail that will lead them to hundreds of unwilling persons who are buried under his buildings.

Regardless, its a great idea.

How to get laid with $10 and a Red Bull

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Drink half the red bull. You don’t wanna be up too late, because you’re going out again tomorrow night.

Hold on to the ten bucks until Friday night, you’ll need it for a cover.

Find a dive bar with a lot of college students where the cover is $5. OR if you can find a party, even better.

Dress well. Dress like you are going to a business casual party where there will be important people. Women like when you dress up because it shows that you have self respect. Most of the schlubs in the bar wear jeans and a tee shirt because they feel they are too good for nice clothes.

Let me break this down. In terms of where you fit in a social hierarchy, your attire is telling. Jeans and a tee shirt will land you in a realm of possibilities where the most common denominator is probably somewhere between a Walgreens employee, or maybe a semi successful mechanic (depending on your smell, but we’ll get to that later)

You want to live in the high end of the social spectrum where your appearance dictates that a feasible minimum for you is university student, and your maximum is a high achieving professional.

Once you throw on a nice button down shirt, khakis, and nice shoes, you’re ready to mack. Pro tip – stay away from boat shoes. The frat look is aesthetically attractive, but it triggers a negative Pavlovian response in women due to the how frequently frat boys disappoint.

OK, so you left your boat shoes at home, you’re dressed all snazzy, you’re walking towards the bar, and you’re half a Red Bull deep into the night. What do you do now?

GET A WINGMAN

Wing men are essential counterparts in the courtship dance. They can pull you from an awkward situation, or draw you into a beneficial one. They are instrumental in getting you laid. SO call up a buddy, and invite him out.

Now you are ready.

You’re in the bar. You’re looking around. Girls are tripping over their heels onto each other. Guys are calling out to distant bros. Some people are on their phones, others are wall flowers. Where do you go from here?

You mack. Don’t think, just mack.

Go up to every girl you see, one by one and say “hello, my name is _____” Start a conversation. Now, you may be wary of this method because you understand the possibility exists that you will be rejected. Well, yes. You will be. But only about %30 of the time!

I crunched the numbers for you – %70 of girls you go up to are willing to have some sort of conversation, be it short lived or lasting. %50 of that %70 will be willing to give you their numbers, and about %5 total will perceive you as a viable suitor. The other %30 will reject you in a nightmarish fashion that no man can come back from. Except you.

Common curve phrases to expect from condescending women at the bar:

“I have a boyfriend who’s way hotter than you”

“Ugh, no thanks (muffled scoff)”

“She is taken, get away from her she doesn’t want you”

“Um yeah, no thanks”

Don’t worry, like I said, only %30 of women will treat you like absolute shit. It makes sense really. Half of the night life experience for women is dodging harassing men. You can’t blame them for being bitchy, it’s simply survival.

But, this is just my experience. You need to collect data for yourself. Once you have a working experimental model of your successes and failures, you will feel confident in talking to girls at the bar. In any given field or career, data analysis is a crucial tool in optimizing your procedures. Make note of how many girls you approach, how many curve you, how many are too drunk to hold a coherent convo, and how many give out their numbers. This is sales. You are the product.

Now you’re ready to start getting numbers. NEVER NEVER NEVER ask a girl for her number. Asking a girl for her number leaves the door wide open for excuses, insults, and berating words. Instead, open your dial pad and put the phone in her hands. This is a keystone sales technique used by door-to-door salesmen to collect information from clients. When a person is given an item, they feel in control and are more likely to divulge personal information.

If you follow these steps, you will get laid eventually. Maybe not the first night, but if you consistently work towards these goals every week, you will get laid.

How To Walk The Walk

There are several key habits you must live by in your personal life if you wish to master fluency in the courtship dance.

  1. Watch chick flicks. Watching movies like Titanic, or anything with Zooey Deschanel as the protagonist will provide a blueprint for what girls are looking for in a guy. Act like the guys in the movies. Tell stupid jokes, tell them you’re nervous around beautiful women, say you just want someone to build with, etc. A literal pick up line of mine is “I just want a relationship like in the movies” Girls find it funny, but also deep down they recognize that as truth.
  2. Determine the right cologne. There is a guaranteed way to do this. Go to a Meineke auto center and pick out the chubbiest employee. Start a conversation and discretely sniff out his scent. What you’re doing here is determining what NOT to smell like. Now you can go to Walgreens and pick out a scent that is the olfactory opposite of what you smelled at Meineke.
  3. Smell testosterone-y. Before you hit the bar, do 20 push ups. This will let your pheromones breathe like a fine wine.
  4. Bring Franzia. Get a box and leave it in your car. Franzia is as valuable as a wedding ring.Now you’re really ready. Remember, jokes aside, sexual assault is a real thing. Don’t jump the gun when you’re flirting with women. If shes too drunk she cannot make proper decisions. Getting laid functions primarily as a massive ego stroke. Think about it. Your best time masturbating was probably 10 times better than your worst sexual experience. You can take care of yourself at home if you don’t find a safe and appropriate opportunity to court a female.

The Return Of Supa Hot Fire

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Hes not a magician, but he’ll mystify ya. He’s supa hot, but you can call him Mr. Fire. If you never seen him battle, then you missed da fire.

Deshawn Raw, or Supa Hot Fire, is by no means a rapper. But he’s done more for the rap industry than Funk Master Flex and Dr. Dre combined.

His unique style and clever wordplay make him the hottest non-rapper in the game. Recently he released a teaser to an ambiguous rap battle that is scheduled to take place on March 21st.

The internet sensation has gone up against Hopsin, Soulja Boy and Chris Rock.

Who will he school next?

6 Ridiculous Micro Nations You Can Move To After College

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A Micro nation is a small area or political entity that claims national sovereignty but is not recognized by other sovereign states. 

People establish micro nations for a slew of reasons. Some micro nations embody civil disobedience or stand against overarching political and social issues. Others are petty, or weirdly sexual, as you will soon discover.

So if you’re getting bored of your current living situation, and are looking to move to a place where you can serve as a male slave, we have provided a list of micro nations that you can move to, TODAY.

1. The Gay and Lesbian Kingdom of the Coral Sea Islands

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“On the 13th of September 2004, the Gay Kingdom declared war on Australia. This also means that the Kingdom sees itself as an independent country.” (http://gaykingdom.info/history.htm)

The Gay Kingdom of the Coral Sea Islands is located a north of Australia. Tired of persecution, humiliation, and downright ignorance, the gay community of Australia established their kingdom on the Coral Islands, home to a popular gay pride parade. They are ruled and governed by the sovereign Dale

“The sovereign of the Gay and Lesbian Kingdom is Dale Parker Anderson, who is directly descendant from the murdered gay King of England, Edward II (1284-1327) this makes the Sovereign distantly related to all the major royal houses of Europe.v”

The Gay Kingdom of the Coral Islands is a bold move by the Gay community. If you want to live in a Gay paradise, this is the place to go.

2. The Other World Kingdom

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Ladies, this one is for you. The Other World Kingdom was a Matriarchal micro nation in the Czech Republic that used to enslave men. It has been closed for years, but maybe you can help restore it!

The women had their own currency, passports, police force, courts, state flag and male slaves.  Their mission statement was  “to get as many male creatures under the unlimited rule of Superior Women on as much territory as possible.”

3. The Principality Of Sealand 

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An offshore platform off the coast of England. The benefits of living here are hard to determine. Lets see, you can pee off the side…And, you can probably get away with murder here. That’s about it.

Sealand is more about appreciating world history. It originally served as an illegally built WW2 fortress. The platform was named ‘Fort Roughs Tower’. When it was abandoned in the 1950’s is was  constituted extra-national territory. So ‘up for grabs’ basically.

If you are a WW2 nerd this may be the place to go.

4. Empire of Atlantium

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Atlantium was established by three Sydney teenagers. “As of October 2015, the group has almost 3,000 “citizens” from (and still therein residing due to the small area of the Empire of Atlantium) over 100 countries. The website names just over 20 individuals holding such functions as minister, director, magister and imperial legate. Atlantium says its citizenship does not supersede existing citizenships. Atlantians contend that they are all dual-citizens, and that Atlantium actively encourages its members to participate in the political processes of their resident countries.”

Atlantium doesn’t have an interesting vision. It has been described as “an extremely sophisticated nation-state experiment, as well as an entirely serious claimant to legitimate statehood.”

5. KugelMugel

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“KugelMugel”, or “Ball-bump”, is a nation founded and built by Edwin Lipburger in 1971. It consists of one large ball shaped house. The house serves as an artistic expression.

6. Glacier Republic

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The Glacier republic was created as an advertising awareness campaign by Greenpeace in 2014 off the coast of Chile. It was claimed in protest of mining corporations building on or near the glacier.

The activists say that once Chile has passed appropriate legislation recognizing and guaranteeing the integrity and protection of its glaciers, “The Glacier Republic and its citizens will return the glaciers to the Chilean State,” and the Glacier Republic will cease to exist. Therefore, the real purpose of the Republic is not to create a long-lasting country, but to force the Chilean government to protect its glaciers. Within its first ten days of “independence,” more than 40,000 people signed up to become “citizens” in support of the Republic, which has already opened embassies in 40 countries around the world (essentially just those countries where Greenpeace International already have offices)”

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Planning the perfect acid trip

White Privilege: Systemic Racism In the Semen Industry, And How I Got Rich Off It

 

 

 

 

 

Planning The Perfect Acid Trip In 10 Steps

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We’ve taken it upon ourselves to seek the insight of many acid heads and plan out the perfect acid trip. Here is a list of things you can do before hand to make your acid trip extraordinary.

What is the perfect acid trip? A perfect acid trip is not always defined by elation and euphoria, but rather by the affect it has on the user’s life. This list was built for the experienced user. 

1. Film a video of yourself doing something strange then watch it

The video can be of anything. Try setting up a video camera before you go to bed and film yourself sleeping. Or you can video tape dinner with the family and watch your behaviors.

2. Have your friends make you draw a circle and ask why you keep drawing a square

Hopefully you will be too messed up to remember you asked them to do this for you, but this will really trip you out

3. Hang up pictures of another family around the house 

Again, hopefully you’ll be too messed up to remember you did this and you can convince yourself that you are in someone else’s house

4. Draw messages to yourself on your body like they did in Memento

We call all learn a good mind fuck from Memento

5. Time a soundbite of a police siren to ring mid trip

This one will get you.

6. Replace your TV with a chair and have your friends watch it

Or replace your TV with anything about the same size. As long as your friends pretend to watch it is key.

7. Record yourself propositioning an elaborate game like in SAW

Construct an elaborate game like in the SAW movies, then record yourself outlining the rules and listen to the recording. “I have poisoned your last meal. You have ten minutes to live unless you find the serum which is hidden somewhere in the Yogibo”

8. Program your phone to call the cops every time it experiences a change in gravity

It doesn’t only have to be the cops, if could be your mom, or a close relative. You can do this through an app called Tasker.

9. Print a realistic news article of you being the most wanted person in America

We suggest getting this professionally done at a printing place. Should cost less than 25 bucks.

10. Have your friends dress in suits and refer to you as Mr. Bond

This will make you feel cool at least.

 

 

White Privilege: Systemic Racism In the Semen Industry, And How I Got Rich Off It

white-guyMove over wall street, semen is the new finance degree. Just like any other service, the semen industry faces ebbs and flows, and right now America is seeing the greatest influx in semen demand since 1971.

I’m staring at the surface of a mahogany coffee table that’s spangled with dried semen. A half ounce up of my own jizz rests on a pile of Playboy magazines. You may see the glass half full, or half empty. I see a mortgage payment.

Trish comes in to check on me. I’ve had her finger up my ass a few times to milk my prostate. I’ve gotten less from the VIP rooms at the Catwalk. It’s all legal, and it’s all big business.

“Are you all set Mr. Shwartz?”

“Yes”

She takes my specimen to the freezer as I wait in the main lobby.

Several minutes later, Trish hands me a check for $1,000.

“See you next week!”

I drive off in my E350.

I vaguely remember my high school guidance counselor telling me to ‘reap what you sow’. At the time, I thought I could build a promising career in finance, since my father owned a successful advising firm. I figured I would get a degree from any local university and then take over the family business one day. At least, that was the plan. But plans change.

I attended UMH in New Hamshire. A small liberal arts college whose most notable alum was that guy who made a million dollars off the ‘Crazy Bands’ fad in 2013. Remember those things?

I expected a similar financial fate. It was unfortunate to learn that the family business was going under the year I graduated. My father was embezzling money from clients for years. Like I said, plans change.

It was tough to swallow reality. I had a loose grasp on the future, but what I didn’t realize is that my ‘grasp’ would very well save me. When I was a frat head in college, we used to have contests. Weird brotherly, homophobic, but borderline homosexual contests. One of which was our weekly ‘jerk fest’, a competition that awarded the highest producer of semen a pool of money. $5 to enter, 100 guys in the frat, that’s $500 a week. I didn’t want to work at some scrub job like all my peers were doing, so the first time I hit the 50 ml mark on a beaker we stole from the bio lab, I was hooked on the money.

My career was decided.

I started practicing my form, eating foods that were said to produce high levels of semen, I started exercising to keep my testosterone levels high. My semen production sky rocketed. By the end of Sophomore year I was filling a 100 ml beaker every day. Some called me superhuman.

When I finally graduated, I had saved enough money to pay off my student loans. But I was still hopeless. I couldn’t find a job, and I couldn’t afford to get my own place. I felt like a scrub.

Then, a year after graduation, I saw an ad in the paper. “Looking for semen donors, tall, white, healthy men”

I was tall (6″2), I was healthy, and I was a semen machine. The ad said they were paying $10 a milliliter. I was game.

So I went up to the Semen donation center in New Hampshire and that was the first time I met Trish. She took me for a novice, a noob. When she saw my first sample she was in awe. I busted out 50 milliliters like it was my job. Boom $500 bucks.

I found out later there are over ten semen donation centers in the tri-state area. I hit about 4 a day. That’s 2k dollars I make, every single day. That’s a 6 figure salary. And it’s all because I’m white, tall, and have the thrust of an open fire hydrant.

 

 

Elderly Man Crushed By Giant Hot Dog At International Festival

hotdogNY – Family and friends of Marty Weisman gathered for a ceremonial service in Worcester MA today following a freak accident at the New York international food festival that resulted in Marty’s death.

Marty, a 80 year old retired optometrist from Massachusetts, was attending the international food festival with his grandson, who is 8 years old.

Witnesses report that Marty and his grandson were spending a lot of time at the hot dog exhibit, an attraction featuring a 1000 lbs hot dog provided by a local restaurant. The family friendly exhibit turned into a horror show when Marty tried to lift the end of the hot dog to pose for a picture. A portion of the hot dog tore off and rolled into Marty, bringing him to the ground and subsequently crushing his chest. As the man spat up blood his last words were “$20 for this kind of treatment?” – a reference to the cost of the entry ticket.

Authorities have not commented on the incident. More news as the story develops

Trump Replaces Spanish Translations On White House Site With Redneck Slurs And Rascal Flatts References

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The Trump administration made the White House site redneck friendly this morning, keeping in line with Trump’s pledge to be the president for all Americans.

“Well, wanted a more user friendly platform for the majority of our supporters” said Trump at a press conference, “we realized quickly that most of my supporters could barely speak English, but they can understand Rascal Flatts references and various southern slurs”

The move to make the government redneck friendly is paving the way for our nation.

 

Staff

Donald’s Mention of Patton and McArthur Underlines a Frightening Ignorance of both History and Foreign Affairs

Repeatedly, REPEATEDLY, during both the second and third debate, Trump mentioned George Patton and Douglas MacArthur, in context “Patton and MacArthur would be turning in their graves…” if they were confronted with Hillary’s political and military decisions.  This has driven me insane. Twice.

Let’s start with the more subtle issue of Patton.  Patton, while impressive in his North Africa campaign, would probably not fit in to the modern military ideals so well.  Patton was well renown for ignoring possible civilian casualties to throw huge numbers of troops and equipment directly at the target with little regard for both his own sides lives and the lives of the people living there.  This sort of military approach, “total war”, made famous in United States history by William Tecumseh Sherman, is rather frowned upon in a post Geneva Convention era.  Patton, while militarily effective, would never have been able to operate in this current military and political climate.

But MacArthur… MACARTHUR… MacArthur doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as Patton unless it is a military chronology, let alone Hillary Clinton, because despite the fact that she has never served in the military making her totally unqualified to be a general (kind of like Trump and the Presidency) she could still general circles around MacArthur.

MacArthur’s contribution to WW2 was island hopping, the idea of only taking only specific islands in a line to approach more strategic Japanese locations.  This seems obvious now, why take the entire wall when you could make a tiny hole and stream into the city through that, but at the time it was ingenious and revolutionary.  So revolutionary, in fact, that when Hitler did it to the Maginot line in France everyone was shocked.

Wait, What? I hear you ask me in your head.

That’s right.  After WW1 France created the Maginot line, a series of interconnected fortresses and cannonades on France’s Northern border pointing directly at Germany.  It was thought to be impenetrable, since taking every single fortress would have been required uncountable manpower and unprecedented military machinery.  This made sense in a world without… say… planes… and tanks… but it also made sense in the context of WW1’s trench warfare.  This fortress line would give France a huge advantage if Germany ever made a giant trench line across that border again.  Hitler looked at this and literally loled.  Then he took his tanks, and his planes, and his army, and marched it right through the Maginot Line in a straight line, taking 5 of the over 200 fortresses before entering France.

MacArthur credited Hitler’s tactics in piercing the Maginot line with the Allies victory in the Pacific.  That’s right, MacArthur’s greatest accomplishment was credited to Hitler.  And it turns out he didn’t even come up with it, and aide suggested adopting similar tactics.  So MacArthur’s greatest accomplishment was listening to an aide suggest they act like Hitler.

Fast forward to the Korean War.  The Korean War, if you study it long enough, becomes an internal struggle between hawkish politicians who want to go to war with China to undermine communist influence and everyone else who thought that that was absolutely insane.  Both sides were deeply paranoid, powerful, and far reaching.  MacArthur was one of the more famous hawks, advocating for such humanitarian efforts as NUKING CHINA.  (Actually, the more that I talk about MacArthur, the more Trump’s apparent idolization of him makes sense; neither has a strong concept of the impact and severity of nuclear weapons.)

MacArthur was put in charge of the Korean War from the outset, and he did exactly what he learned from the Pacific Campaign and marched in a straight line.  Never mind that he was fighting a totally different enemy in an entirely different arena with widespread public support, he thought that this war was strategically similar to the last.  Because it wasn’t MacArthur who learned military history’s lessons, it was Hitler, which is why when given the opportunity to do it again, he failed miserably.  MacArthur marched the United States military in a straight line, right through North Korea, towards the goal he really wanted: China.  (Again, lots of similarities with Trump).

See, MacArthur thought that if he got close enough to China, they would see Chinese troops in North Korea, and attack them.  This would instigate the Chinese into a full scale invasion, which would throw the USA into all out war with China.  MacArthur wanted all out war with China because he was an idiot more concerned with the spread of communism than the colossal tole such a war would have taken on humanity.

The CIA didn’t find evidence of Chinese Troops in North Korea, but what they did have were intelligence reports of North Korean troops surrounding the Americans as they traipsed north towards China.  They also had pictures of China massing troops on the border in preparation to defend itself.  MacArthur didn’t trust the CIA, because similar to Donald Trump, he believed it was rigged.  Actually that’s not fair.  MacArthur refused to listen to the CIA because he thought that he was right and Washington couldn’t possibly have a better grasp of what was happening than he did because they weren’t there.

MacArthur finally arrived and crossed the border.  China threw him backed with sheer weight of people involved.  MacArthur was forced to retreat in shame back through North Korea, all the while being harassed and slaughtered by the North Koreans who had surrounded the US army, sort of like how the CIA had suggested.  This was the worst defeat of an American army since the Civil War.  MacArthur was immediately removed from command.

This is the general that Trump keeps touting as an icon.  What a joke.