How To Avoid Choosing A Racist Costume For Halloween

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  1. Don’t appropriate cultural practices by dressing like a native american. Try instead to maybe dress like a block of cheese

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  2. Don’t wear black face. Black face is always racist no matter who you are. Instead, you can dress like a soccer ball, and then everybody wins. Look how happy the man is. soccer.jpg
  3. Don’t dress like an irish man in a skirt. That is called appropriation and real displays your ignorants.
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    Instead, dress like a jew
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  4. Please don’t dress like the Italians:
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    Instead, dress like a washing machine
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    Hope that helped to clear up some issues

North Korea Threatens To Target “Liberal-Governed” Cities In Nuclear Attack

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North Korea – In a press conference addressing the prospects of nuclear war, one of North Korea’s top political advisers made the following statement:

“Trump’s leadership is unconventional, but he resurfaced a strong ferocity that has been lost in politics. We respect his gusto, and in keeping in line with the North Korean vision, we would be remiss if we attacked conservative entities first, as opposed to liberal governed cities.”

Though no direct threat was made, it was implied by omission. Since the comment was made early this morning, analysts at the White House speculate no American is in immediate danger, but they are urging liberal cities to be on guard.

Jeff Anderson, a White House correspondent said the following “Washington is jammed up on prospect of nuclear war right now. It’s a hot and aggressive topic. But there have been no statements made about this being an immediate threat. It is only exaggerated rhetoric, but it does have the possibility of escalating into something more”

America and North Korea are teetering on the edge of nuclear war that could be the end of humanity. Increased rhetoric and stained egos will only contribute to more tensions in foreign affairs.

Joe Malone reports

Joe Malone’s writing has appeared in esquire, the New York Times, and CNN. 

 

Man Who Signed Up For “Seal Squad” Fitness Program Thought He Was Joining A Branch Of The Military

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Rudolf Sankins, 22, of Brooklyn NY, signed up for a new and intensive work out program called “Seal Squad.” The program is part of a burgeoning industry of work out plans that get members fit through rugged and unconventional strategies. Seal Squad echoes the style of Spartan race and Crossfit.

Undecided in what he wanted to do in life, Sankins signed up for Seal Squad at his local community college, mistaking them for the Navy Seals. “They had a stand in the student center with flyers and posters,” Sankins said, “I thought they were recruiting…They didn’t brand themselves like a fitness program I can tell you that”

Sankins paid $40 to become a member with the Seal Squad, but thought he was paying an application fee.

Connecticut Man Trades Edge Fitness Points For Stock Options

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CT –

Joe Powell, 22, of Seymour Connecticut acquired over ten million points at the Edge fitness center in Hamden (approximately $250,000 worth of Edge fitness shakes.)

He achieved this through a legal glitch in the Edge rewards system. Contractually the Edge is obligated to reimburse him through their rewards for all his points. With ten million points he threatened to purchase 50,000 shakes which would ultimately pose a huge financial burden on the company. Edge CEO John Rappaport spoke about the issue “We realize that the glitch was legal and fair game. Instead of shakes or fitness consultations, we are offering Joe valuable stock options in the company.”

Joe is considering the offer with his lawyer.

Google Earth Lead Developer Believes World Is Flat

 

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Thomas Wilkinson, 29, of Palo Alto has been a senior developer at Google for seven years. He in in charge of strategy and operations at Google Earth. Leading a team of 10 engineers, Wilkinson is tasked with overseeing the general functions of the Google Earth software.

Last week Wilkinson Tweeted a post that echoed undertones of flat earth conspiracy: “Everything in this world is theory. From black holes to the roundness of the earth.” His post raised eyebrows in the tech world, but it wasn’t until this morning that his peers’ suspicions were confirmed following his most recent post denouncing modern science, Google, and NASA.

“As a lead Google developer for over seven years it is my responsibility to finally address our terrestrial landscape”

He linked to his blog in which he stated “After years of diligent study and intent work I have concluded there is no way the world can be spherical. Given how our data at Google has never matched up to NASA’s data, and given how modern technology simply cannot measure the magnitude of such a planet, we can never really be guaranteed the earth is spherical.  The truth is, this idea is so ingrained in our culture that no one questions it. Well, I’m questioning it.”

Following his tweet and blog post, Google suspended Wilkinson to handle the situation internally.

 

Employee Reveals Trump Purchased 100,000 “Hillary ’16” Tee-Shirts In Case He Lost The Election

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Washington – A classic Superbowl strategy.  President Trump has proved yet again that successful leadership takes a certain amount of eclecticism and risk. In the final days of the election when he was running neck and neck for the presidency with Hillary Clinton, Trump realized that the prospect of losing was on the table.

To avoid a total loss, Trump identified opportunity. He purchased 100,000 Hillary ’16 tee shirts which he was going to sell for $20 a piece if Hillary won.  “I was an administrative assistant in Trump’s campaign” says a former Trump employee, “the last several weeks of the campaign were spent designing and purchasing 100,000 Hillary Tee-shirts, which we later threw out after Trump won. He only spent a couple hundred grand on them”

“Business tycoons need to be fountains of creativity” says Harvard MBA instructor Tom Grosley, “They ideate new campaigns and ideas constantly to facilitate business growth. Creative problem solving is the hallmark of business success”

Though Trump’s tee-shirt business ultimately failed, his display of entrepreneurship is one of the reasons he is lauded by many as an influential business mogul

 

ISIS To Hire 25 American Interns Out Of Boston

25Boston MA – “With diminishing Production Assistant jobs and a slowing market for video work, this opportunity struck me as a great way to travel the world and get some experience,” says Tommy DeVito, Junior at Emerson College.

ISIS is the first terrorist organization to implement marketing into their corporate structure. It is well known that ISIS puts in a  great deal of work producing professional level propaganda. “They are adapting to the digital age,” says Billy Batts, professor of terror research at Harvard University, “they use professional equipment for videos, professional editing software, social media outlets, email campaigns, even SEO. They run a  legitimate operation similar to most American businesses. Minus the terror and killing, I could see why naive college students are attracted to the opportunity.”

ISIS greased through sub-Reddits and Facebook groups using monikers and sock accounts to hand pick 25 Americans to outsource their marketing campaigns. At first they targeted Muslim Americans, but were met with disdain and outrage. The most responsive group were young white men who had trouble finding a job.

“Look,” said DeVito, “I am not doing the killing, I am not contributing to the terror, I am just acting as a liaison between an organization, and a country. I have no shame in doing this. If anything, I am doing the world a favor by showing everyone what ISIS is about”

This kind of delusional thinking stems from unemployment, and hopelessness. “It is characteristic of the Millenial generation” says Batts, “its hard to find a job today so they’ll take all the experience they can get. If it were my kid, I’d disown him. Stay unemployed. Don’t work for ISIS”

Staff

Trump Hires Pun Writer To Diss “Kim Jong Un-qualified”

trumpoy4Washington – In the wake of possible war-inducing rhetoric between Trump and North Korea, Trump on-boarded a team of analysts at the White House to help identify weak spots in North Korean culture, and develop a plan to shed a positive light on his public image.

“I am hoping to get the Koreans to side with me,” said Trump in a press conference this morning, “if the Koreans love me, and they will,  then they will see that Kim Jong Un is Kim Jong Un-Qualified…”

The pun is already blowing up on Twitter, with some people noting how it was written by a seasoned “Pun-writer” to tap into the Korean cultural predilection towards puns.

“We did look deeply into Korean culture to tease out what their people respond to” says white house analyst Craig Gannon, “We found in our analysis that Koreans, along with other Eastern countries, are the largest ‘Pun consumers’ in the world. Puns are sort of fetishized there. Any art historian will tell you that puns have been visible in Eastern culture since the dawn of landscape art, and with loud echoes ringing throughout modern Anime and Manga.”

The speech writers and analytic team collaborated on a speech that would include at least one pun to address North Korea. This was a trial run to test the waters, said our White House correspondents, but expect more puns in the future if it goes over well.trump twitter3

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